Queering My Faith Part 1

Baby Mo!  So little and cute!

I generally don't start my blog posts with disclaimers, but I feel like I should with this one.  I am Queer.  I am Christian.  I have come to a point where the two work beautifully together and in harmony.  That was not always the case.  A lot of people know bits of my story and many of you have walked with me through it.  I will do my best to honor and respect all who are a part of my story. But this is my story, this is how I experienced my journey.  Some of you may feel uncomfortable with some of the things I say, but I will not be intentionally unjust or mean about anything.  I have been deeply wounded at different points in my life, but those events have made me who I am today. I am a better and stronger person because of those events. Please remember this is my story, my memory isn't perfect, and I am doing my best to share from my perspective.

I was born and raised in Spokane, WA.  My family did live in Montana for a year when I was in kindergarten and then again after I graduated from high school, but Spokane is my home.  I am the oldest and therefore the smartest and wisest (right?) of three.  My parents were an awesome example of love and what a partnership is all about.  I grew up in a very supportive, loving, stable and amazing family.  I was a fairly typical kid. I played soccer, not well. I loved reading, thanks Mom! I went to summer camp every summer and sang with the Spokane Area Children's Chorus for several years.  Yep, it was a pretty white bread childhood.  Were things perfect? No.  Where there struggles and disappointments?  Yes.  But overall, I had a good childhood.

See, totally adorable! 

Soccer Star? Definitely Not!

Much of my life revolved around church.  Shadle Park Presbyterian was my second home.  I really, truly, grew up in that building and with that congregation.  I was born the week the pastor, who just retired after 30+ years, was called to lead the congregation.  He was one of my first visitors at the hospital.  As a child I ran around the church like I owned the place, I crawled under pews, and knew every nook and cranny. Even now I can close my eyes and still see the light filtering in through the windows of rooms long since remodeled.   Potlucks and camp outs, Sunday School and church camp, service projects and mission trips, those are the things I remember the most about growing up at Shadle.  I remember falling asleep in the nursery, hugs from Dorthy Watson when I walked in the door, dressing up as a beggar or a street musician for Bethlehem Revisited, and most of all a deep and abiding sense of family.  When I was at Shadle, I was home.

Sportin' the Camp Spalding shirt!  Pioneer Camp woohoo!

Shadle was my place of safety and refuge.  At home there was little to complain about, but school was another story.  I remember a schoolyard game of "Smear the Queer" breaking out in elementary school.
All of a sudden every kid on the playground was chasing me.  I didn't know what queer meant, but as the schoolyard piled on top of me, I knew it wasn't good and I was it.  That experience taught me being different was something to avoid and I should try and be like everyone else.  I never again wanted to be mistaken for different, so I found a small group of friends and stuck to them like glue.  I also learned to hide in plain sight. I was one of the tallest girls in all of my classes, but I could make myself small to avoid too much attention.  But at church, I was safe, I was secure, and I had a place.

8th grade

That sense of belonging and security became so incredibly important to me.  As I entered Junior High teasing and taunting became a normal part of my day.  I played basketball, sang in choir, and tried to fit in as best I could but still stuck out like a sore thumb.  But I fit in at church and I soaked it up.  It was where I learned about what it meant to be a Christian.  I learned to turn the other cheek, so when I was picked on at school I never fought back, I took it.  I took it all and stuffed it down deep and never let anyone see how much the words cut me.  But it was ok, I was being a good Christian, I was loving my enemy and giving it all over to God. At least that was how I viewed it. When I look at my 8th grade photo, I see a girl who was struggling to make it through the day.  A girl who saw no hope.  And a girl who had an incredible strength to endure and persevere through very painful years.  I want to wrap her up in my arms and tell her I love her, tell her she is an amazing beautiful person, and thank her for not giving up.

Winter Retreat at Camp Spalding

Greta and I after a frosting fight for my birthday! 

As high school rolled around I immersed myself in youth group, Sunday school, and mission trips.  Some of my favorite memories from high school happened on church trips. I even have my own song, sung to me upon returning from the hospital on a mission trip.  Oh yes, "Mo's not dead, she is alive!"  I was in my element at church and life was good when I was with my church people.  I continued to blend in as best I could in high school and did not let my difference be known.  I remember a youth group discussion on homosexuality.  When the youth director asked if we thought it was ok to not hire because they were homosexual, one of my friends answered "Of course!  They are disgusting and sick, I wouldn't want them in my place of business!"  Her response went unchallenged by the leaders and the other members of my youth group.  I said nothing, but inside I felt a twinge of pain as she spoke.  My first inkling of being lesbian was years away, but her words distressed me and the fact that no one challenged her spoke volumes. I still had feelings of difference and I was not about to speak up, for fear that I might give away my difference and lose out on the security of my church community.  There was no way I would sacrifice that feeling of belonging.

I am going to end this post here and start another one for my post high school years.  I fear that the post will get too long if I try and continue with the rest of my story. I will be working on it soon, so be on the look out.