Queering My Faith - The Great Divorce

The question set off a series of explosions that threatened to take me down.  The aftermath was devastating and I refer to this period of my life as “The Great Divorce.”    My entire life I had been married to the church, to a certain brand of Christianity.  I knew nothing else.  I had never even considered another option or another way of being.  My life revolved around my relationship with God and my passion to serve in ministry.   In a matter of months it was ripped away from me and I was left standing in a debris field, broken, bleeding and numb.   

“Crap, crap, crap!”  That’s about all I could think after my students came to me.  I was being exposed and I didn't know what to do!  The only person in Moscow that knew anything had just moved on to seminary and was no longer around.   I was in school, but it was early in the semester and I didn’t know anyone well enough to disclose my struggles. I can imagine that conversation, "Hi nice to meet you, I'm a closeted lesbian youth director who's world is falling down around me.  Wanna be my friend?"  I have never been that bold.  So not knowing where to turn, I went to the pastor.  I wanted him to know what had been said, where I stood with my faith and sexuality, and to ask for help.  Worst. Mistake. Ever.    

Our conversation went something like this,

     Me: So, a couple of students asked me a question.
     Pastor:  What was the question?     
     Me:  They asked me if I was a lesbian.     
     Pastor: Oh. (Big Pause)  Well.   (Little pause)  Is it true?
     Me: Well, yes, but I have never been in a relationship, I plan of remaining single, I know…
     Pastor: (cutting me off) Well.  Let’s not ever talk about this again, not to the students, not to the 
                 congregation, to no one.
     Me: Well, I …     
     Pastor: (cutting me off again) To no one, end of conversation. 
     Me:  If I am asked about it, I am not going to lie about it.
     Pastor:  Make sure no one has any reason to ask about it.


I left feeling completely shut down and unheard, but I wanted to keep my job so I stayed quiet.  I was completely falling back into the double life I had led in college.  Only this time there was more drinking and my behavior became a little more reckless.  I would go to Spokane, party with my friends, and some how make it back down to church on Sunday.  I was stuck and I didn't know what to do.  I couldn't talk to anyone in Moscow and when I was in Spokane I was drunk most of the time.  It was pretty much not awesome. 


I was very thankful for my classes.  I could go, get lost in the material and not have to think about work.  I met Katie in one of my classes.  She wore rainbow laces in her Doc Martins, was openly lesbian, and was not afraid to speak up in class.  We chatted a little but she was pretty much a classroom acquaintance.  But that little interaction was enough for me to make one of the biggest steps of my life.  I don't remember how I found out about the Gay Straight Alliance but I was determined to go.  The group met the same night as my junior high youth group meeting and started at the same time youth group ended.  As soon as everyone was gone, I jumped in my car and rushed over to campus.  The meetings were held in the old Women's Center Building. I did laps around the Admin Lawn trying to gain enough courage to even look in the window.  I was terrified that someone from church would see me and know what I was doing. (Mind you it was 8:00 at night, dark, and no one was out of campus at that time, let alone anyone from church) On the third lap I glanced in the window and spotted someone with long hair in a pony tail.  It was Katie.  I mustered all the courage I had, looked around to make sure no one saw me and opened the door.  The room was packed and the meeting had already started so I found a spot on the floor and listened.  I don't remember much about that meeting, but just being in the presence of other LGBT people was enough.  I chatted with Katie a little and was introduced to others in the group.   I left feeling ok with the world, not fantastic, but not alone.  


The following week youth group finished up early and all of the rides showed up on time so I was able to make it to GSA before the meeting started.  I found a spot on one of the couches and made small talk with the folks around me.  At one point a woman walked in and sat across the room from me, she immediately caught me eye.  There was something about her that made my heart dance.  We went around the room and introduced ourselves.  I paid particular attention she spoke, I wanted to know her name!  She introduced herself as Aimee Stormo and said she had attended Seattle University, had spent the last semester in France, and had transferred to UI.  My heart sunk.  That little bit of information was enough to cause sheer panic.  She was the daughter of a couple at the church.  Her dad was an Elder and her mom was a Deacon.  I was far from the door so I couldn't bolt, but everything in me wanted to leave.  I could not let people from the church know that I was gay, I wasn't supposed to talk about it and here I was sitting in a meeting surrounded by gay people and the daughter of an Elder sitting across from me!  I was freaking out on the inside!  But then about 30 seconds later I realized...WAIT!  She is also sitting in a room full of gay people!  OMG!  What if she is gay too!?!


When the meeting was over we looked at each other and smiled.  One of her first questions was "Are you the youth director at First Pres? Are you THAT Mo?"  Again my instinct was to flee, but I stayed put.  We talked until they had to lock up the Women's Center, then we walked to my car and stood outside talking for another hour.  I was totally and completely taken by her.  I was thankful for the dark of the evening so she couldn't see me blush as we spoke.  Have I mentioned it was love at first sight?  Um, yeah, for me it was.  I asked her to be one of the volunteer youth leaders, since she had grown up in the church.  Then I could spend more time with her, I needed the volunteers, but I also was being a little selfish.  She happily agreed and started coming to youth group with me. We were strictly friends at this point.  I was still very much single and even though I had strong, like way strong, super strong, feelings for her I knew that there was no way I could keep my job and be a "practicing homosexual." Whatever that means. The other reason we were still friends, was well, she did not feel the same way about me.  She loved our friendship, but that was all she was looking for, so things stayed in friendship mode.  And boy was I ever grateful for that friendship. I didn't know it at the time, but November 2002 - March 1 2003 would be the most heart wrenching period of my life.


The Senior High Winter Retreat was coming up in a couple of weeks, so I asked Aimee to be one of my leaders for the trip.  I didn't really need another female leader, but I wanted her to come along.  If the question was the spark, the retreat was the gasoline.  It was an awesome weekend.  The speaker talked about honesty and integrity and really challenged everyone at camp to live open honest lives.  Needless to say I was feeling a little convicted about carrying such a large secret and not sharing it with the world.  After the last talk, before we piled into the vans to head home, we met as a youth group.  The speaker had asked us to talk about what we had learned that weekend and how it had impacted our lives.  We gathered as a group and the students started talking about their weekend.  At one point, one of the gals who had asked the question looked at me and asked about my weekend.  I looked at Aimee, I searched my heart for the right words, and tried to put the conversation with the Pastor out of my head.  She was not directly asking me if I was a lesbian, but given the topic of the weekend, it was inferred in the question.  


I cleared my throat, looked around the group, and with tears in my eyes I told them the truth.  I told them that I was gay, that I was a Christian, that I single and planning on staying that way.  I told them a little about the struggles that I had been through and that it was the first time I had ever told a group my story.  I was not met with animosity or disgust, I was met with kindness and love.  They got it, they were able to see past the distortions of conservative Christianity and embrace me as their youth director.  My heart was light as we drove home from the retreat, I had passed a test, I had told the truth and I felt like I had been set free.  That feeling didn't last long, as we pulled into the church parking lot I realized that I had to tell the pastor about the retreat.  That terrified me and I didn't sleep much that night.


I went into the office first thing in the morning.  I waited for the pastor to arrive and went straight to him.  I gave him a run down of the conversation and told him that I would not lie about who I was.  I could see red creeping up his round face and him gripping the edge of his desk.  I thought he was going to explode.  Thankfully he didn't, but he did come slightly unglued.  He was angry and trying to figure out how to "fix the mess I made."  I had class so I got up to leave.  He said we were not finished talking about this and I needed to come back right after class was over. I left feeling sick to my stomach, I did not want to come back, but I knew that I had to continue the conversation.  I loved my job and I did not want to lose it.  


After class I walked into the pastor's office.  He was not alone.  The youth elder was sitting across from him and the tension in the room was high.  I tried to joke a little and asked, "Oh, are you talking about me?"  The pastor said, "Yes, please have a seat."  I wanted to crawl out of the room and hide, I wanted to be anywhere but there in that moment.  My mind was racing and I was not processing what they were saying to me.  I felt like at any moment I would hear the words, "You're fired."  They didn't come but there was a lot of discussion on what to do with me, like I was some sort of problem to be solved. Phrases like, "If we ask you to leave there will be members of the congregation that get mad at us. But if we allow you to stay other people will get mad at us," were thrown around.  I asked that if congregation needed to know I would be the one to tell my story.  That brought one of my very favorite quotes from the pastor.  He looked at me and said, "If you stood up in church and told them you are a lesbian, that would be like one of the older gentlemen standing up and saying he had erectile dysfunction." At that point I went from numb to angry in about 3 seconds.  I told him it was not the same thing and that I have been single all of my life, I had never even kissed anyone.  That it wasn't about who I slept with, it was about who I was. 


When the meeting ended I was pissed! In talking to the students, I had not fundamentally changed I was still the same person.  I was just living with a little more integrity and honesty.  The powers that be (the pastor and the elder) decided that I needed to write a letter to the parents of the students at the retreat.  I wish I still had a copy of that letter, but it is long gone at this point.  It was vetted by the pastor before being sent out.  I received a hand written letter from a parent.  She berated me, she called me a liar and told me I had no place in youth ministry and I should "do the right thing" and resign immediately.  I had other parents quietly talk to me after church and others ignored it all together. Aside from that letter and a couple of less than pleasing interactions with folks in the know, the responses were at least minimally supportive.  I had hope that I would be able to keep my job, the thought of leaving "my kids" devastated me. They were (and still are) an amazing group of folks and I am so very thankful for the time we spent together as a youth group.