Queering My Faith - Livin' in Egypt Land

In August of 1999, I boarded a plane in Seattle.  My final destination, Cairo, Egypt.  I met up with the three other interns along the way.  Kelly, Terry, and I  connected somewhere in the Midwest. We flew onto New York and met up with the final part of our crew, my Beth. In that moment we were four strangers, sitting together, waiting for a plane, making small talk, and hoping to get some sleep on the flight. We would become family.

Flying into the Cairo airport was almost magical.  Egypt was a place of mystery and awe to me. I had dreamed of one day, hopefully, maybe, if I was lucky of traveling there, but there I was straining to see the pyramids from the plane as we landed.  As we touched down a surge of joy and apprehension washed over me.  I was starting a new life, these were completely new people, they knew nothing of my past, I was ready to put it all behind me and become a new person.

I swear I could feel the heat before they even opened the cabin door and as we walked off the plane into the Cairo sun, I melted.  I was exhausted from the long flight and running on pure adrenaline.  We made our way through customs and were met by Amy, the youth pastor, and a very excited youth group.  I went from tired to wired in about .03 seconds.  There were welcome signs and banners, joyful laughter, lots and lots of hugs and nicknames that still reside with us today. I knew in that moment it was going be an incredible year.  We piled into cars and headed to Maadi. I remember people asking me questions, but I don't remember any of the conversations, all I remember was watching a completely different world roll by my window.   I had traveled overseas before but driving through Cairo was like nothing I had ever experienced.  It was a whole new world and I was ready for a whole new life.

The first night I had dream that confirmed I was right where I was supposed to be.  I can still remember it clearly almost 13 years later.  I was sleeping on the couch, there was a knock at the door, no one was around so I got up to answer the door.  On the other side was my dad, smiling.  He said he was proud of me, gave me hug, and told me he loved me.  It was as real as day, it was perfect, it was what I needed to calm my nerves of being so far from home.  I woke up with tears in my eyes and a peace about being in Egypt.

Beth, Kelly, Terry, Mo, and Amy  - Fun Times!

Our orientation week included sleeping the desert, horseback riding near the Step Pyramids, an incredible meal in the home of an Egyptian family, and night in downtown Cairo.  We were getting to know each other, having an amazing time, and bonding as a group.  I didn't feel like I was hiding anything from the others, I felt like I was being my true and whole self.  I thought about Abby, but I was putting that all behind me and moving forward.

Within two weeks of being there I started to get a gnawing feeling.  I was not leaving it all behind and I was struggling.  I was a new person and I did not want to fall into old habits.  I was going to try something new, I was going to be open and honest, and not hold things inside.  So one evening I walked over to Amy's flat not knowing what would happen next.  I honestly don't remember a lot of the details from the conversation, but I poured my heart out.  I remember a couple of conditions for my internship, which, at the time, I completely agreed with.  They all had to do with spending time with the female members of the youth group.  I had to have one-on-ones in public, I couldn't have sleep overs, and there was one other that I don't remember. Thinking about it now, it makes me sad, but at the time they all seemed perfectly reasonable.  When I left that night I felt relieved, I wasn't being sent home, I had someone I could talk to, and I felt like I was finally going to be rid of the baggage.

What can I say? We rocked this look!

There was an almost instant bond between Beth and I.  We got each other from the start and by the end of the first month we could anticipate what the other would say and could finish each others sentences.  Shortly after talking to Amy, Beth and I were alone in the intern office at the church.  She asked me if I had ever heard the RENT soundtrack.  I had no clue what RENT was about so she played me the opening song.  She sang along with all of the words and when it got to the line "So let her be a lesbian, there are other fishies in sea." My heart jumped, I didn't want to listen anymore, but at the same time all I wanted to do was listen.  I was so conflicted.

I struggled and wrestled with my feelings.  I did not want to be gay. So I dedicated my year to purging it from my life.  I went through the music and purged anything that reminded me of the clubs or the gay "lifestyle."  I took the Cds over to Amy's place and she threw them away for me.  Next I wrote a letter.  The thought of that letter hurts my heart.  It was my choice to write it, but it was also strongly encouraged by others. I wrote to Abby.  It was full of fear and self hatred.  I told her that I couldn't talk to her anymore. I couldn't be a part of her life, I didn't believe that she could be gay and Christian.  It was an either/or but not a both. I wrote that I was changing and that God could heal her as well.  In one page I destroyed a friendship.  Years later I would see her again, we would hang out a little, but the connection that we had was gone.  I mourn that loss.  I don't know if I loved her, but I do know that my feelings for her were true, they were good, and they were real.  But I was willing to give all of that up for a deeper relationship with God.  I was willing to deny a part of myself in order to be whole.

I set out to build a ring of support around me.  If I was going to really purge the feelings from my life I needed to have prayer warriors and people around me that would lift me up and be support when I was feeling weak.  As the year went on I did start to change.  I prayed constantly to be healed, to take  my relationship with God to the next level, to be free and whole.  If you want something bad enough you find a way to make it work.  I was holding it together, I was doing my best, and I was on the right path.  I was going to make it work.

Conqueror Mo!

New Year's Eve, I was sitting on a beach in South Africa, crying and recommitting my life to the Lord.  We were there on a mission trip with the high school youth group.  The trip was incredible and powerful in many ways, but it was that night on the beach that transformed me.  It was another moment of leaving the old behind and starting fresh.  I released any residual feelings I had for other woman and committed myself to a life of singleness until God saw fit to bring the man I would marry into my life.  I felt free and whole for the first time. As I sit here and type a part of me wants to deny that experience as transformational.  I want to say that I was in denial, that I was pretending, but I wasn't.  In that moment, at that time that was my reality.

Before we left for South Africa I had received an email from my mom letting me know that my grandma was not doing well and needed surgery but she was too weak undergo the procedure.  So when I received a phone call in February it was not a surprise to find out that she had passed.  I was able to fly home for the service and spent about a week or so with my family.  During that time I went back to Target.  I wanted to test myself to see how much I had changed.  I ran into some of my old friends and the invited me to the drag show that night.  I went.  The club had changed or maybe it was me.  Either way the mystery and awe of the place was gone.  I passed my test and went back to Egypt with a smile.

The rest of the year was pretty much the same.  Lots of prayer and everyday pulling further and further away from the feelings I had.  By the time I left I felt that I had been healed completely.  I had started the year wanting so desperately to change and change I did.  I was ready to head home to a different life, to live free, and be the woman God had created me to be.

Little did I know that I was heading into one of the darkest periods on my life.