I See You

My wonderful, amazing friends. All of you. No matter where you fall in the realm of support for the current president, all of you, are important to me. We are all on this path together. Your success is my success, and my success is yours.

Let me make one thing clear though, I will not and cannot, heed to your calls for unity and to fall in line behind the president. I will not suck it up, get over it, and move on, because so far where we are heading scares the shit out of me. My friends, who have said this, please know that if I could, I would, but I cannot. I love my country far too much, to not challenge what I see as dangerous and oppressive.

We do not see eye to eye at all. We could not be further apart on issues and I want to dismiss the difference by saying that I just don't understand your point of view. But you know what, that would be a lie, because I do.

Once upon a time, really not all that long ago, I lived a sheltered, middle class, white, presumed straight, Christian, female, life. I thought racism ended, when segregation ended. I thought being gay was a choice. And if you worked hard enough anyone could have anything they wanted. I didn't see the oppression that was right in front of my face, because I was privileged enough to not have to notice it. I get it when some of you posted about the Women's March and how you don't think it was necessary and that it was a bunch of whiny liberals, who are not actually oppressed, because you personally don't feel oppressed. 

You know what? To be completely honest, there are days, I wish that I could feel like that again, I really do. There are days when I wish, I could go back in my nice neat, bubble of 'safety' and not need to think about oppression, to not know what it feels like, and to not have my heart ripped out with each headline and news story. Your lived experience has brought you to where you are in life, I do not fault you for that and I hold no judgement toward you. I was you.

I desperately tried to stay within the walls of safety. When I started feeling my difference, I rejected it. My rejection ran deep into my core. I hated myself. I hated that I was anything other than what I 'should' be, than what I was supposed to be. I was terrified to be different, because I knew how people who were different were treated. It was the experience of coming out that opened my eyes to the suffering and oppression all around me. Once I experienced it first hand, there was no way that I could not see it.

And even though I have experienced oppression, that does not mean I know about all oppression. My lived experience has taught me about what it is like to be a middle class, white, and queer, in our culture. I also fully acknowledge and recognize that right now, with my long hair, that I am easily not read as other, as queer, that I can move through this world with ease, and not need to 'worry' about my oppression. Keeping my hair long has been very intentional on my part and I fully recognize my privilege in being able to not be read as different and not have to face it on a daily basis.

Oppression in all of its forms is alive and well in our country. It has been bubbling for a very long time and erupted in this election cycle and is oozing out the tip of the president's pen as he signs his executive orders. Some of you probably agree with the things he is signing and while it tears at my heart to think about the damage that is being done, I also recognize that you are who you are and you get to make your own decisions about what you think is right. Just as I get to do the same.

Please hear me when I say this, I do not think I am better than you, or more righteous, or evolved, or any of the words you may want to throw my way. I am not preaching or telling you to be different or that you should see things my way. I am not going to call you names or tell you, you are stupid for believing what you believe. I do not know your lived experience that brought you to where you are today.

What I will do is say this, I see you. My heart to your heart, I see you. I see the fear, I see the pain, I see the defensiveness, and I see the suffering. I also see how much you love the people around you; I see how much you want good things in this life.

My hope for this post is that it allows you to pause and reflect on why you hold so tightly to what you believe. I am not asking you to do anything with what you find. All I am asking is that you get curious, look at the why, and play with whatever arises for you. Do with it as you will.

I love you. I see you. I deeply respect your journey.

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As a final note: Tone is so hard to read when written on a screen. These words, I am speaking from my heart to yours, with compassion and understanding. If they stir you, if you find yourself getting angry or upset with me, please, pause. Take a breath and know that it is not my intent, but I also know that though it may not be my intent, that does not lessen the actual impact on your own heart. I am happy to dialogue with you about anything that comes up for you. 

Unstuck

Snow. We had a lot of it fall from the sky in the last 24 hours.

Snow. I love it. Really I do, I am not being a smart ass. It's my favorite form of water. It makes me VERY happy to watch the snow fall, to listen to the silence the snow brings, to see it sparkle and glisten in the sunlight.

My car. I drive a Mini. I love my car. I really do. It's fun and sporty and zips all over the place. I really love my car.

My car. Snow. This is a troubled relationship. My car is fine with plowed roads and unplowed roads with a couple of inches of snow. What my car cannot do is get through the 12 inches the snow plow left in my driveway.  Which is totally fine, I am fully capable of shoveling out the left over gunk, I am WAY thankful to live on a street that gets plowed. While it is a pain to shovel, it also is pretty awesome, because it means I can pull my car in and out with ease.

Before I move forward on today's adventures of the Mini vs the Snow, let me give you a little back story. A couple weeks ago, was the first time I got stuck this winter.  I had been in Spokane for a late morning appointment, the roads were awesome and the snow kinda slushy, but maneuverable. Because I was getting to work so late, I decided to park on the street near my building.

I pulled in and a little voice said, "This isn't going to work, you should really park somewhere else." Did I listen? Um, no. I didn't, but you probably figured this out, since I already told you that I got stuck.

Side note: LISTEN TO YOUR OWN WISDOM!  Really, it will help you not get stuck.

So, anywho, I park my car and go into work. I do the work thing and come out a little before 5:00 and hop in my car. I notice no one is park in front of me, but someone had parked behind. Bummer. I start it up, start to go and almost get out of the spot.  Almost. I worked it, I went forward, I went back, I rocked it, I rolled it. I got stuck. I needed a push.

As I was surveying my predicament, someone pulled in and headed to their apartment. The first thing out of my mouth was, "Do you have a shovel I could use?" Not hey, can you give me a push, can you help?  Nope, do you have a shovel. Thankfully, he did. He gingerly walked it out to me and scurried back in the house. My first thought was, "Wow, thanks for the help dude, you could have at least waited to see if I needed a push.... man what a jerk."

I was getting a little frustrated, there was somewhere I needed to be at 6:00 in Spokane and I knew the roads were not awesome and I wanted to take my time. (For those of you who don't know the geography of Eastern Washington, Spokane and Cheney are about 30 minutes apart on clear roads)

I started to shovel and as I did, I looked up and saw the make and model of the car behind me. It was the same as a friend's car. This particular friend has a was of gently challenging me to not get stuck in repetitive thought patterns. You know the ones, where you start getting all frustrated that the college kid, who let you borrow his shovel, when he didn't need to, wouldn't stay outside and help you, so you start blaming the fact that you are stuck on someone else not helping you?!?  Then you get all mad and frustrated and start tossing the snow right behind you, not noticing that you are just piling it up in front of your car.....

Seeing her car (wasn't her actual car) made me stop, harrumph at the universe, and get curious about why I was getting all bent out of shape over being stuck. Of course, as you probably well know, it had absolutely nothing to do with actually getting stuck in the snow and everything to do with being stuck in my thinking. Once I made that connection, the shoveling went by quickly, I cleared a path and zipped on out of Cheney and made it to the meeting by 6:00. I am going to come back to why I am telling you this back story in a moment.

Now, on to today's snow adventures. Harrumph. Again, I found myself not listening to the little voice of wisdom in my head.  Again, my wonderful friends..... LISTEN TO THAT VOICE!

I live on a street that gets plowed, which I am totally grateful for and love that I don't have to worry about my car getting stuck. As I was approaching my house, I noticed that quite a few driveways were totally plowed in and figured mine would be as well, I thought I could probably drive through it and park, then shovel..... not so much.

When I pulled up, the plows had left a 12 inch wall of ice and road debris. There was no way my car was getting through that wall. So, instead of listening to the little voice and parking awkwardly in front of my driveway for a spell, while I shoveled out, I decided to go around the block. Did I mention that we have had a ton of snow?  And I drive a Mini Cooper? Yeah, Spokane's side streets after a great deal of snow.... not the best choice for a Mini Cooper. I got stuck the first time when I turned off the plowed street. Thankfully a couple of guys were out shoveling and gave me a push and got me going.  Then I tried to turn again and bam. Stuck again. This time, I tried rocking and going back and forth, but the only thing that did was create a nice little patch of ice for my tires to spin on. I was stuck, stuck.

I asked a couple of kids if I could borrow a shovel and tried to get myself out that way as well. I was stuck. I started getting frustrated again. My mind started spinning just as quickly as my tires. There was no one to help me, I couldn't help myself, so I posted a frustrated post on Facebook and called a friend, who lives nearby. She said she would be right over. In the mean time, I sat there, until someone needed to turn down that street and asked if I needed help. When I said yes, like magic, four or five people just appeared and just like that I was moving again. I managed to keep moving until I got all the way around the block and could awkwardly park in front on my house.

I was really frustrated with myself for not listening to myself, I was frustrated that I got myself stuck again, I was frustrated that I had to shovel a ton of icy crappy snow. All I wanted to do was go inside and take a shot, drink a beer, and feel sorry for myself.

As all of this was running through my head, I realized that I hadn't posted that I wasn't stuck anymore. So I posted a simple phrase to my Facebook page. I said, "I'm unstuck." I hit post and stood there in awe at the truth in those words. Without really thinking about it, I had unstuck myself again. I was no longer frustrated and wanting to drown my frustrations in drinks, I had unstuck my thought spiral. I laughed, a deep belly laugh and kept on shoveling. Eventually, I was able to get my car into the driveway and went inside and sat down to write this post.

I share both of these stories, because they each serve as a way to illustrate how we can get unstuck. In the first situation, I wanted someone to come along and save me, I got myself into a situation and I wanted someone else to get me out. I did ask for help, but wasn't given the help that I wanted and you know what?  I actually got exactly what I had asked for, I had asked for a shovel, that was what was provided. I had wanted something else, but I hadn't asked for a what I wanted, so I used what I was given to get myself out of the situation.

Sometimes we get ourselves into situations in life, where we want someone to save us, not just help us, but save us. We don't see ourselves as capable enough to do it on our own. We ask for help, but we don't actually ask for what we want. Maybe because we don't feel like we deserve the help, maybe because we are afraid no help will be given, there are a myriad of reasons we don't ask. Or we ask for a shovel, when we really want a push. In those situations, take what you have been given and make it work. I dug myself out that night and in the process, showed myself that I can dig myself out of my own negativity spiral.

Today, I found myself stuck again. I did everything I could not not be stuck, I asked for the help that I needed, and was given that first push. Then I got stuck again. The road was too much for the vehicle I was driving. Sometimes the roads we walk are too much for us. It happens.  We don't ask for the too much, we don't ask for the illness, or the death of a family member, or the loss of a job, or the major life change that comes to us. It happens. We ask for help, we get going again. We get stuck again. You do everything you can on your own to get moving again and nothing works. You are stuck. There is no going forward, there is no going back. You are there, stuck and it sucks.

So you call a friend, who comes to your aid. And then, in that act of asking, the help you need descends upon you from everywhere. My dear and wonderful friends. If you find yourself stuck, please, please, please, ask for help. Help will always be given at Hogwarts for those who ask for it. Oh wait, sorry, for the HP reference. Actually, not sorry, because it is true. When you need help and you ask, the universe will conspire in your favor to bring you what you need.

Sometimes it will be a shovel so you can dig yourself out, other times it will be a small army there to push your car out of the rut and get you moving again.

Peace to all of you who feel stuck. If there is anything I can do, let me know, I would love to help get you moving again.

Outpouring of LOVE!

Hello!

I love you.

You.

The person reading these words right now.

I.
Love.
You.

You are an amazing being, who deserves all the love in the world. It matters not to me, who you think yourself to be.  You are worthy of love. I hope you are able to feel and hold that truth for yourself.

Oh!  Oh! OH! My dear and wonderful friends. We are surrounded by so much dis-ease and soul-crushing energies in our world.  I know many of you struggle with life, in one way or another.  It is so easy to get pulled down, to let negativity take hold, and to lash out at others when we are hurting. That is one of the reasons I started the Outpouring.

What is the Outpouring?

Before I get to what, let me start with how it came to be. Last week I was sick. I picked up the flu, I work with college students, so it was bound to happen. There's a rule at work, not coming in until you have been fever free for 24 hours. So, when I woke up fever free and feeling better, I still couldn't go to work.  So, I had a life changing day instead. I'm not going to go into details, that's not what this post is about, but I will say this much, never turn down and opportunity to open up. Change and wonder can come from anywhere.

The energy of that day was expansive. I was reminded by so many of my wonderful friends that I was loved and why I was loved. My heart just burst with joy and gratitude.

As I was trying to fall asleep that night, I just could not do it. My poor, still recovering body, needed the rest, so I stayed in bed. But I wanted to jump up, get on the computer and start writing on the wall of every single one of my friends, telling each one why I love them.

It was so wonderful to finally fall asleep, wrapped in that cocoon of love and light. In the morning I emerged viewing the world just a little bit differently.

I started pondering how I could actually write on everyone's walls and really I had to ask if I wanted to send love to everyone. You see. While I love everyone and everyone deserves love.  I can get in my own way when it comes to loving them. Maybe they say things I don't like, maybe they have said or done things to me that I don't like. Does that diminish their worthiness of being loved?  No.  It does not. Every being on this planet, no matter how I may feel about them, is deserving of an Outpouring of love.

Not a conditional love, that says, you do this or be this, then you are deserving of love. As soon as I say that I am placing my expectations on them, for who they should be or how they should act in order to receive love from me. I am placing conditions.

Love.
The energy of LOVE.
That energy carries no conditions.
That is the love that I am tapping into for this project.

Back to Outpouring.  Next to me on my desk, I have a bowl made by a wonderful being.  In that bowl I have placed the names and faces of every one of my Facebook friends. Now. I know I have friends who are not on FB, I'll be including them as well and get the messages to them offline. And if I add any friends while I working on this project, they will for sure go in the bowl as well!

Each day, from today until... well, until the bowl runs dry, I am going to draw a name, or two, or four, or six.  It will really depend on the day and how much time I have. I don't want to rush this, I want to extend care to each person I draw. Hold their name, remember them, how we met, why we became friends, and what I love about them.

I am planning on using a hashtag so that everyone can read what I write each day, if you so desire. The hashtag is #ktoutpouring  I checked it out on FB and it is unique to this project.

So my friends, I am off to draw the first name and get this Outpouring of Love rolling!

Blessings on each of you!

Perspective

I'm sitting on the ridge, feeling the last warmth of the day on my face. Watching a gentle, ever so slight breeze dancing through the tall grasses and changing leaves. 

Green turns to yellow, turns to brown. Flowers dry and seeds fall to the ground. Hoping for wind to cover them with soil while they wait for spring. Spring, the chance at life, a time for growth. 

But it is not spring. It is autumn. It is fall. When life starts to fade in beautiful bursts  of color. A last gasp of joy before the cold barren winter. 

Days grow short. We turn inward. 

Resting. 

Breathing. 

Renewing. 

Allowing the rhythm of life to restore us. Feed us. Comfort us. Prepare us for another season of growth. 

How we rest, how we renew. That is up to us. We can charge head long into a season meant for resting, drain our energy, going against the call of time. We were meant to go with the flow of time. Not against it, not squeezing every previous minute dry of its vitality.

Each moment. 

Each breath. 

That is where life is. Not in the moment before and not in the moment to come.

In this moment. 

See. 

Feel.

Hear.

Know. 

This moment. 

The sun is setting. 

Open to the magic of the moment. 

Vulnerability

I have a new friend.  

It feels like...

It feels like that childhood friendship...

You know the one...

That friend you meet on the playground...

The kid you've known forever...

But all of a sudden they look like a whole new person to you...

And you feel like you just met the bestest person in the 

Whole. 

Wide. 

World!

You want to tell all your secrets... 

Tell them about the boys, or girls, you like.

Tell them what you had for dinner last night.

You smile SO big when you see them.

And when you are a part...

It feels like something is missing.

As Anne Shirley would say, "We are kindred spirits."

This person is not new in my life.

I have known them for years.

The edge of knowing.

When we met, I was smitten.

I wanted to know them.

But...

Insecurity won.

Why would someone SO cool..

So amazing..

So talented...

So...

So...

So...

Someone so awesome...

Want to be my friend.

But an email...

A point of connection...

Changed.

It.

All.

She was in the mass of people that we invited to our wedding.

The RSVP...

The email...

It made my heart leap...

I read the words...

My heart...

She wanted to come to the wedding...

And she wanted to hang out with us...

If this all sounds very junior high crush,

Well...

That's kinda how I felt at the time.

I kinda had a crush on her.

Always had. 

Always will.

The wounds of childhood die hard.

I always felt different.

Out of place.

I had friends.

Still have many of my childhood friends.

Connection and disconnection.

Friended 

And Friendless.

Insecurity.

As I have emerged,

Grown, 

Sought connection, 

I have felt like one of the 'cool kids'

A person that people look up to,

Admire,

Emulate,

But at the heart of it all,

Insecurity.

I felt like a fake and a fraud.

Felt like... 

If people really knew me.

They would run. 

Hide.

The truth...

Oh Truth...

Truth would never set me free.

Never.

I even held back with my partner.

My lover.

My best friend.

My everything.

How do you live with someone for 11 years 

11 years...

And not share your whole life with them?

Insecurity.

Back to my new friend. 

A key in all of this.

A key to my current emergence.

I have processed my past.

I have talked until blue in the face.

Sometimes heard.

Sometimes unheard.

Voice and voiceless.

Silenced. 

A second email.

An invitation to unburden myself.

To write without judgement.

To be heard.

To be seen.

To be known.

The beginning of my voice.

Wait, wait, wait you say...

What about your blog, 

Your story, 

You found your voice long ago, 

How do you feel so silenced when you share so freely?

Yes. I share.

I control what I share.

I share what I have processed.

What I have talked about until blue in the face.

Until it was polished

And the words flowed easy.

This invitation.

This invitation said, unburden myself.

A flood of words on a page.

Flooding

Flowing out of me like a torrent.

Everything...

EVERYTHING...

Connections.

Powerful connections to past events

Threads of continuity

A processing of connection.

Of commonality.

A forging of a fast friendship.

So much.

So fast.

So, so fast.

So fast that I grew nervous.

What if said too much, 

What if she doesn't like what she reads,

What if 

What if

What if

Insecurity

Vulnerability

Myself laid bare

As I wrote my story

As I shared my life

I opened to my partner

Emergence.

Connection.

Embrace.

Acceptance.

Vulnerability.

Deeper love.

My partner.

My love.

We have shared more...

Emotional

Spiritual

Physical

In the last 3 months

Then in 11 years...

3 months of change

3 months of growth...

3 months...

My birthday became my 

Birth

Day.

A new life

New emergence

A new way of seeing myself 

Was born

I found my voice.

Out of a place of vulnerability

From a place of deep insecurity

I found my voice

I found my truth

I found connection to all that is around me

A life once fraught with anxiety

A life lived in fear.

Holding back

Afraid of true connection.

I fear no longer.

I spoke my truth.

It was heard.

I was seen.

And I am loved.

I have a new friend.

And it feels...

It feels...

It feels like home. 

Nothing Neutral

Click here for the spoken word version

There is nothing neutral about my gender.

Choosing to live into the YES!
Of gender.
The FULLNESS of gender.
Of life.

There is nothing neutral about that experience.

The boxes we check are labeled:
Gender:
___ Male.
___ Female.
__________

Fill in the blank.  Like the blank is neutral.
The blank is other.

There is nothing neutral about my gender.

My expression does not fit a box.
My body does not fit a box.

That does not make me neutral.

Neutral:
adjective:
           1. not helping or supporting either side in a conflict, disagreement, etc.;impartial
           2. having no strongly marked or positive characteristics or features.
               synonyms: inoffensive, bland, unobjectionable, unremarkable, ordinary, commonplace

I am transgender.

Some view my very existence as offensive.
They object to my self-expression.

Object. Ob...ject...
I become an object.
Something to fear.
People fear the other.
They fear what cannot be contained.
What they cannot control.
It is easy to fear what is not seen as human.
Object.

So they remark.
Re...Mark.
Re...Brand.
Remake me into what they want me to be
Remind me that I am not ordinary.

There is nothing neutral about my gender.

I identify across gender.
Through gender.
Male.
Female.
Other.

Female. Other. Male.

Other.... Male.... Female....

Other....

I despise the word 'other'.
But English lacks the language for me adequately express my gender.

I am not other.

When someone asks about my gender...
I say...
I say...
I hesitate...what is my gender?
I am Mo, but I am also more than Mo.
I am male.
I am female.
I am masculine.
I am feminine.
I am.

I have struggled with the integration of the various parts of myself.

I see fractured pieces of myself, of my expressions of gender.
My body is female, but very masculine.
I have a 'big build.'
Whatever that means.
I take up space.  I grow facial hair.

Lots of facial hair.

So much of my spirit is feminine.
I have a strong attachment to an identity of woman.

Attachment but not always connection.

Sometimes I feel like a whoaman.  Whoa Man. Woe man.

That's the reaction I often receive in female only spaces.
Whoa.  Man!
Man?
are you a man? they ask with their eyes.
rarely do they speak the words.
I read body language.
The stares. The anger. The pity. The confusion. The longing.

Yes.  Occasionally I see longing in their eyes.
In me they glimpse a freedom.
A freedom to be something other than what they see around them.

I have those points longing in my life.
As I emerge from one way of knowing into another.
When I acknowledge my difference.
I seek those moments of connection with others.
Others like me.

My difference.
A strong masculine presence, mixed with the subtle feminine.
The female body, with patches of hair that don't belong.
Side burns. Soul patch.  Back hair.

Well intentioned people ask...

Have you ever tried electrolysis...
Laser Hair removal is amazing...

I hear... in those words...

Remove...
Conform...
Be something different...

Conform. Con. Form. Con.
Con. Fake.

Conformity leaves me feeling empty.
Less than.
Never quite right.

I hate conformity.

But what option does that leave me?

Self expression. Yes.
Uniqueness.  Yes.
Struggle. Yes
Dissonance. Yes.

So much dissonance, as I emerge out of conformity.

There is something so right about it all and something so wrong.
Right in the feeling of wholeness.
Right in the feeling of connectedness.
Right in the integration of self.

WRONG!

Wrong because I live in a world does not understand me.
Wrong because I live in a world based in fear and not love.
Fear that lashes out at people who do not conform.
To PEOPLE like me.

Me.

This is about me.
This is about my emergence.
This is about my seeking freedom and wholeness.

This. Is. Me.

There is nothing neutral about my gender.

Feel Free to Say Whatever You Want

So. I was going to stay quiet.  I was going to let this one pass. I don't need to comment every time someone says something homophobic.  I would never stop talking if I went by that policy.  But I can't stay quiet on this one.  I just can't.  Anytime some talks about homosexuality and bestiality in the same sentence it angers me.  And when I look through my Facebook page and see friends supporting a person who links the two, it makes me sad.  I can understand standing beside him if it was "simply" that he believed homosexuality was a sin.  I get that.  But when you agree with someone who sees no difference or believes that being gay will lead to acceptance of bestiality that hurts.

I support Phil Robertson's freedom to believe or say anything he wants.  He can stand on a street corner and shout that homosexuality is a sin...oh wait that's Fred Phelps.  I don't really care that he thinks that homosexuality is a sin.  I have plenty of people in my life that probably think that as well, but we are able to maintain a friendship just fine.  We can agree to disagree.  For me it is not worth arguing about what god thinks about my relationship with Aimee or my orientation, because, honestly...none of us can know what god thinks.

It makes me frustrated that people think that Phil's Freedom of Speech have been violated for saying what he believes in an interview and then being put on hiatus by his employer.  The First Amendment gives you the right to say what you want and the government cannot come in and censor or try and block your right to say those things.  It does not exempt you from the consequences of your speech in the eyes of your employer or the public.  He is not being thrown in jail for saying those things, that would be a violation of his freedom of speech.  A&E's decision to suspend him is well within their right to do so, as the company who produces his show.

I, as a member of the LGBT community, glad they took that step.  Far too often companies let anti-LGBT bias slide for the sake of a market share or profit.  Or even worse companies inject anti-LGBT humor into shows to get a laugh, to make fun of my community.  So for once.  I am glad a company didn't let it go, that they brought attention to it and said that they support the LGBT community.  They recognized the impact that his words would have and made a move to do something.  I applaud them.