I have a new friend.
It feels like...
It feels like that childhood friendship...
You know the one...
That friend you meet on the playground...
The kid you've known forever...
But all of a sudden they look like a whole new person to you...
And you feel like you just met the bestest person in the
Whole.
Wide.
World!
You want to tell all your secrets...
Tell them about the boys, or girls, you like.
Tell them what you had for dinner last night.
You smile SO big when you see them.
And when you are a part...
It feels like something is missing.
As Anne Shirley would say, "We are kindred spirits."
This person is not new in my life.
I have known them for years.
The edge of knowing.
When we met, I was smitten.
I wanted to know them.
But...
Insecurity won.
Why would someone SO cool..
So amazing..
So talented...
So...
So...
So...
Someone so awesome...
Want to be my friend.
But an email...
A point of connection...
Changed.
It.
All.
She was in the mass of people that we invited to our wedding.
The RSVP...
The email...
It made my heart leap...
I read the words...
My heart...
She wanted to come to the wedding...
And she wanted to hang out with us...
If this all sounds very junior high crush,
Well...
That's kinda how I felt at the time.
I kinda had a crush on her.
Always had.
Always will.
The wounds of childhood die hard.
I always felt different.
Out of place.
I had friends.
Still have many of my childhood friends.
Connection and disconnection.
Friended
And Friendless.
Insecurity.
As I have emerged,
Grown,
Sought connection,
I have felt like one of the 'cool kids'
A person that people look up to,
Admire,
Emulate,
But at the heart of it all,
Insecurity.
I felt like a fake and a fraud.
Felt like...
If people really knew me.
They would run.
Hide.
The truth...
Oh Truth...
Truth would never set me free.
Never.
I even held back with my partner.
My lover.
My best friend.
My everything.
How do you live with someone for 11 years
11 years...
And not share your whole life with them?
Insecurity.
Back to my new friend.
A key in all of this.
A key to my current emergence.
I have processed my past.
I have talked until blue in the face.
Sometimes heard.
Sometimes unheard.
Voice and voiceless.
Silenced.
A second email.
An invitation to unburden myself.
To write without judgement.
To be heard.
To be seen.
To be known.
The beginning of my voice.
Wait, wait, wait you say...
What about your blog,
Your story,
You found your voice long ago,
How do you feel so silenced when you share so freely?
Yes. I share.
I control what I share.
I share what I have processed.
What I have talked about until blue in the face.
Until it was polished
And the words flowed easy.
This invitation.
This invitation said, unburden myself.
A flood of words on a page.
Flooding
Flowing out of me like a torrent.
Everything...
EVERYTHING...
Connections.
Powerful connections to past events
Threads of continuity
A processing of connection.
Of commonality.
A forging of a fast friendship.
So much.
So fast.
So, so fast.
So fast that I grew nervous.
What if said too much,
What if she doesn't like what she reads,
What if
What if
What if
Insecurity
Vulnerability
Myself laid bare
As I wrote my story
As I shared my life
I opened to my partner
Emergence.
Connection.
Embrace.
Acceptance.
Vulnerability.
Deeper love.
My partner.
My love.
We have shared more...
Emotional
Spiritual
Physical
In the last 3 months
Then in 11 years...
3 months of change
3 months of growth...
3 months...
My birthday became my
Birth
Day.
A new life
New emergence
A new way of seeing myself
Was born
I found my voice.
Out of a place of vulnerability
From a place of deep insecurity
I found my voice
I found my truth
I found connection to all that is around me
A life once fraught with anxiety
A life lived in fear.
Holding back
Afraid of true connection.
I fear no longer.
I spoke my truth.
It was heard.
I was seen.
And I am loved.
I have a new friend.
And it feels...
It feels...
It feels like home.
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