I See You

My wonderful, amazing friends. All of you. No matter where you fall in the realm of support for the current president, all of you, are important to me. We are all on this path together. Your success is my success, and my success is yours.

Let me make one thing clear though, I will not and cannot, heed to your calls for unity and to fall in line behind the president. I will not suck it up, get over it, and move on, because so far where we are heading scares the shit out of me. My friends, who have said this, please know that if I could, I would, but I cannot. I love my country far too much, to not challenge what I see as dangerous and oppressive.

We do not see eye to eye at all. We could not be further apart on issues and I want to dismiss the difference by saying that I just don't understand your point of view. But you know what, that would be a lie, because I do.

Once upon a time, really not all that long ago, I lived a sheltered, middle class, white, presumed straight, Christian, female, life. I thought racism ended, when segregation ended. I thought being gay was a choice. And if you worked hard enough anyone could have anything they wanted. I didn't see the oppression that was right in front of my face, because I was privileged enough to not have to notice it. I get it when some of you posted about the Women's March and how you don't think it was necessary and that it was a bunch of whiny liberals, who are not actually oppressed, because you personally don't feel oppressed. 

You know what? To be completely honest, there are days, I wish that I could feel like that again, I really do. There are days when I wish, I could go back in my nice neat, bubble of 'safety' and not need to think about oppression, to not know what it feels like, and to not have my heart ripped out with each headline and news story. Your lived experience has brought you to where you are in life, I do not fault you for that and I hold no judgement toward you. I was you.

I desperately tried to stay within the walls of safety. When I started feeling my difference, I rejected it. My rejection ran deep into my core. I hated myself. I hated that I was anything other than what I 'should' be, than what I was supposed to be. I was terrified to be different, because I knew how people who were different were treated. It was the experience of coming out that opened my eyes to the suffering and oppression all around me. Once I experienced it first hand, there was no way that I could not see it.

And even though I have experienced oppression, that does not mean I know about all oppression. My lived experience has taught me about what it is like to be a middle class, white, and queer, in our culture. I also fully acknowledge and recognize that right now, with my long hair, that I am easily not read as other, as queer, that I can move through this world with ease, and not need to 'worry' about my oppression. Keeping my hair long has been very intentional on my part and I fully recognize my privilege in being able to not be read as different and not have to face it on a daily basis.

Oppression in all of its forms is alive and well in our country. It has been bubbling for a very long time and erupted in this election cycle and is oozing out the tip of the president's pen as he signs his executive orders. Some of you probably agree with the things he is signing and while it tears at my heart to think about the damage that is being done, I also recognize that you are who you are and you get to make your own decisions about what you think is right. Just as I get to do the same.

Please hear me when I say this, I do not think I am better than you, or more righteous, or evolved, or any of the words you may want to throw my way. I am not preaching or telling you to be different or that you should see things my way. I am not going to call you names or tell you, you are stupid for believing what you believe. I do not know your lived experience that brought you to where you are today.

What I will do is say this, I see you. My heart to your heart, I see you. I see the fear, I see the pain, I see the defensiveness, and I see the suffering. I also see how much you love the people around you; I see how much you want good things in this life.

My hope for this post is that it allows you to pause and reflect on why you hold so tightly to what you believe. I am not asking you to do anything with what you find. All I am asking is that you get curious, look at the why, and play with whatever arises for you. Do with it as you will.

I love you. I see you. I deeply respect your journey.

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As a final note: Tone is so hard to read when written on a screen. These words, I am speaking from my heart to yours, with compassion and understanding. If they stir you, if you find yourself getting angry or upset with me, please, pause. Take a breath and know that it is not my intent, but I also know that though it may not be my intent, that does not lessen the actual impact on your own heart. I am happy to dialogue with you about anything that comes up for you. 

Unstuck

Snow. We had a lot of it fall from the sky in the last 24 hours.

Snow. I love it. Really I do, I am not being a smart ass. It's my favorite form of water. It makes me VERY happy to watch the snow fall, to listen to the silence the snow brings, to see it sparkle and glisten in the sunlight.

My car. I drive a Mini. I love my car. I really do. It's fun and sporty and zips all over the place. I really love my car.

My car. Snow. This is a troubled relationship. My car is fine with plowed roads and unplowed roads with a couple of inches of snow. What my car cannot do is get through the 12 inches the snow plow left in my driveway.  Which is totally fine, I am fully capable of shoveling out the left over gunk, I am WAY thankful to live on a street that gets plowed. While it is a pain to shovel, it also is pretty awesome, because it means I can pull my car in and out with ease.

Before I move forward on today's adventures of the Mini vs the Snow, let me give you a little back story. A couple weeks ago, was the first time I got stuck this winter.  I had been in Spokane for a late morning appointment, the roads were awesome and the snow kinda slushy, but maneuverable. Because I was getting to work so late, I decided to park on the street near my building.

I pulled in and a little voice said, "This isn't going to work, you should really park somewhere else." Did I listen? Um, no. I didn't, but you probably figured this out, since I already told you that I got stuck.

Side note: LISTEN TO YOUR OWN WISDOM!  Really, it will help you not get stuck.

So, anywho, I park my car and go into work. I do the work thing and come out a little before 5:00 and hop in my car. I notice no one is park in front of me, but someone had parked behind. Bummer. I start it up, start to go and almost get out of the spot.  Almost. I worked it, I went forward, I went back, I rocked it, I rolled it. I got stuck. I needed a push.

As I was surveying my predicament, someone pulled in and headed to their apartment. The first thing out of my mouth was, "Do you have a shovel I could use?" Not hey, can you give me a push, can you help?  Nope, do you have a shovel. Thankfully, he did. He gingerly walked it out to me and scurried back in the house. My first thought was, "Wow, thanks for the help dude, you could have at least waited to see if I needed a push.... man what a jerk."

I was getting a little frustrated, there was somewhere I needed to be at 6:00 in Spokane and I knew the roads were not awesome and I wanted to take my time. (For those of you who don't know the geography of Eastern Washington, Spokane and Cheney are about 30 minutes apart on clear roads)

I started to shovel and as I did, I looked up and saw the make and model of the car behind me. It was the same as a friend's car. This particular friend has a was of gently challenging me to not get stuck in repetitive thought patterns. You know the ones, where you start getting all frustrated that the college kid, who let you borrow his shovel, when he didn't need to, wouldn't stay outside and help you, so you start blaming the fact that you are stuck on someone else not helping you?!?  Then you get all mad and frustrated and start tossing the snow right behind you, not noticing that you are just piling it up in front of your car.....

Seeing her car (wasn't her actual car) made me stop, harrumph at the universe, and get curious about why I was getting all bent out of shape over being stuck. Of course, as you probably well know, it had absolutely nothing to do with actually getting stuck in the snow and everything to do with being stuck in my thinking. Once I made that connection, the shoveling went by quickly, I cleared a path and zipped on out of Cheney and made it to the meeting by 6:00. I am going to come back to why I am telling you this back story in a moment.

Now, on to today's snow adventures. Harrumph. Again, I found myself not listening to the little voice of wisdom in my head.  Again, my wonderful friends..... LISTEN TO THAT VOICE!

I live on a street that gets plowed, which I am totally grateful for and love that I don't have to worry about my car getting stuck. As I was approaching my house, I noticed that quite a few driveways were totally plowed in and figured mine would be as well, I thought I could probably drive through it and park, then shovel..... not so much.

When I pulled up, the plows had left a 12 inch wall of ice and road debris. There was no way my car was getting through that wall. So, instead of listening to the little voice and parking awkwardly in front of my driveway for a spell, while I shoveled out, I decided to go around the block. Did I mention that we have had a ton of snow?  And I drive a Mini Cooper? Yeah, Spokane's side streets after a great deal of snow.... not the best choice for a Mini Cooper. I got stuck the first time when I turned off the plowed street. Thankfully a couple of guys were out shoveling and gave me a push and got me going.  Then I tried to turn again and bam. Stuck again. This time, I tried rocking and going back and forth, but the only thing that did was create a nice little patch of ice for my tires to spin on. I was stuck, stuck.

I asked a couple of kids if I could borrow a shovel and tried to get myself out that way as well. I was stuck. I started getting frustrated again. My mind started spinning just as quickly as my tires. There was no one to help me, I couldn't help myself, so I posted a frustrated post on Facebook and called a friend, who lives nearby. She said she would be right over. In the mean time, I sat there, until someone needed to turn down that street and asked if I needed help. When I said yes, like magic, four or five people just appeared and just like that I was moving again. I managed to keep moving until I got all the way around the block and could awkwardly park in front on my house.

I was really frustrated with myself for not listening to myself, I was frustrated that I got myself stuck again, I was frustrated that I had to shovel a ton of icy crappy snow. All I wanted to do was go inside and take a shot, drink a beer, and feel sorry for myself.

As all of this was running through my head, I realized that I hadn't posted that I wasn't stuck anymore. So I posted a simple phrase to my Facebook page. I said, "I'm unstuck." I hit post and stood there in awe at the truth in those words. Without really thinking about it, I had unstuck myself again. I was no longer frustrated and wanting to drown my frustrations in drinks, I had unstuck my thought spiral. I laughed, a deep belly laugh and kept on shoveling. Eventually, I was able to get my car into the driveway and went inside and sat down to write this post.

I share both of these stories, because they each serve as a way to illustrate how we can get unstuck. In the first situation, I wanted someone to come along and save me, I got myself into a situation and I wanted someone else to get me out. I did ask for help, but wasn't given the help that I wanted and you know what?  I actually got exactly what I had asked for, I had asked for a shovel, that was what was provided. I had wanted something else, but I hadn't asked for a what I wanted, so I used what I was given to get myself out of the situation.

Sometimes we get ourselves into situations in life, where we want someone to save us, not just help us, but save us. We don't see ourselves as capable enough to do it on our own. We ask for help, but we don't actually ask for what we want. Maybe because we don't feel like we deserve the help, maybe because we are afraid no help will be given, there are a myriad of reasons we don't ask. Or we ask for a shovel, when we really want a push. In those situations, take what you have been given and make it work. I dug myself out that night and in the process, showed myself that I can dig myself out of my own negativity spiral.

Today, I found myself stuck again. I did everything I could not not be stuck, I asked for the help that I needed, and was given that first push. Then I got stuck again. The road was too much for the vehicle I was driving. Sometimes the roads we walk are too much for us. It happens.  We don't ask for the too much, we don't ask for the illness, or the death of a family member, or the loss of a job, or the major life change that comes to us. It happens. We ask for help, we get going again. We get stuck again. You do everything you can on your own to get moving again and nothing works. You are stuck. There is no going forward, there is no going back. You are there, stuck and it sucks.

So you call a friend, who comes to your aid. And then, in that act of asking, the help you need descends upon you from everywhere. My dear and wonderful friends. If you find yourself stuck, please, please, please, ask for help. Help will always be given at Hogwarts for those who ask for it. Oh wait, sorry, for the HP reference. Actually, not sorry, because it is true. When you need help and you ask, the universe will conspire in your favor to bring you what you need.

Sometimes it will be a shovel so you can dig yourself out, other times it will be a small army there to push your car out of the rut and get you moving again.

Peace to all of you who feel stuck. If there is anything I can do, let me know, I would love to help get you moving again.