Vulnerability

I have a new friend.  

It feels like...

It feels like that childhood friendship...

You know the one...

That friend you meet on the playground...

The kid you've known forever...

But all of a sudden they look like a whole new person to you...

And you feel like you just met the bestest person in the 

Whole. 

Wide. 

World!

You want to tell all your secrets... 

Tell them about the boys, or girls, you like.

Tell them what you had for dinner last night.

You smile SO big when you see them.

And when you are a part...

It feels like something is missing.

As Anne Shirley would say, "We are kindred spirits."

This person is not new in my life.

I have known them for years.

The edge of knowing.

When we met, I was smitten.

I wanted to know them.

But...

Insecurity won.

Why would someone SO cool..

So amazing..

So talented...

So...

So...

So...

Someone so awesome...

Want to be my friend.

But an email...

A point of connection...

Changed.

It.

All.

She was in the mass of people that we invited to our wedding.

The RSVP...

The email...

It made my heart leap...

I read the words...

My heart...

She wanted to come to the wedding...

And she wanted to hang out with us...

If this all sounds very junior high crush,

Well...

That's kinda how I felt at the time.

I kinda had a crush on her.

Always had. 

Always will.

The wounds of childhood die hard.

I always felt different.

Out of place.

I had friends.

Still have many of my childhood friends.

Connection and disconnection.

Friended 

And Friendless.

Insecurity.

As I have emerged,

Grown, 

Sought connection, 

I have felt like one of the 'cool kids'

A person that people look up to,

Admire,

Emulate,

But at the heart of it all,

Insecurity.

I felt like a fake and a fraud.

Felt like... 

If people really knew me.

They would run. 

Hide.

The truth...

Oh Truth...

Truth would never set me free.

Never.

I even held back with my partner.

My lover.

My best friend.

My everything.

How do you live with someone for 11 years 

11 years...

And not share your whole life with them?

Insecurity.

Back to my new friend. 

A key in all of this.

A key to my current emergence.

I have processed my past.

I have talked until blue in the face.

Sometimes heard.

Sometimes unheard.

Voice and voiceless.

Silenced. 

A second email.

An invitation to unburden myself.

To write without judgement.

To be heard.

To be seen.

To be known.

The beginning of my voice.

Wait, wait, wait you say...

What about your blog, 

Your story, 

You found your voice long ago, 

How do you feel so silenced when you share so freely?

Yes. I share.

I control what I share.

I share what I have processed.

What I have talked about until blue in the face.

Until it was polished

And the words flowed easy.

This invitation.

This invitation said, unburden myself.

A flood of words on a page.

Flooding

Flowing out of me like a torrent.

Everything...

EVERYTHING...

Connections.

Powerful connections to past events

Threads of continuity

A processing of connection.

Of commonality.

A forging of a fast friendship.

So much.

So fast.

So, so fast.

So fast that I grew nervous.

What if said too much, 

What if she doesn't like what she reads,

What if 

What if

What if

Insecurity

Vulnerability

Myself laid bare

As I wrote my story

As I shared my life

I opened to my partner

Emergence.

Connection.

Embrace.

Acceptance.

Vulnerability.

Deeper love.

My partner.

My love.

We have shared more...

Emotional

Spiritual

Physical

In the last 3 months

Then in 11 years...

3 months of change

3 months of growth...

3 months...

My birthday became my 

Birth

Day.

A new life

New emergence

A new way of seeing myself 

Was born

I found my voice.

Out of a place of vulnerability

From a place of deep insecurity

I found my voice

I found my truth

I found connection to all that is around me

A life once fraught with anxiety

A life lived in fear.

Holding back

Afraid of true connection.

I fear no longer.

I spoke my truth.

It was heard.

I was seen.

And I am loved.

I have a new friend.

And it feels...

It feels...

It feels like home. 

Nothing Neutral

Click here for the spoken word version

There is nothing neutral about my gender.

Choosing to live into the YES!
Of gender.
The FULLNESS of gender.
Of life.

There is nothing neutral about that experience.

The boxes we check are labeled:
Gender:
___ Male.
___ Female.
__________

Fill in the blank.  Like the blank is neutral.
The blank is other.

There is nothing neutral about my gender.

My expression does not fit a box.
My body does not fit a box.

That does not make me neutral.

Neutral:
adjective:
           1. not helping or supporting either side in a conflict, disagreement, etc.;impartial
           2. having no strongly marked or positive characteristics or features.
               synonyms: inoffensive, bland, unobjectionable, unremarkable, ordinary, commonplace

I am transgender.

Some view my very existence as offensive.
They object to my self-expression.

Object. Ob...ject...
I become an object.
Something to fear.
People fear the other.
They fear what cannot be contained.
What they cannot control.
It is easy to fear what is not seen as human.
Object.

So they remark.
Re...Mark.
Re...Brand.
Remake me into what they want me to be
Remind me that I am not ordinary.

There is nothing neutral about my gender.

I identify across gender.
Through gender.
Male.
Female.
Other.

Female. Other. Male.

Other.... Male.... Female....

Other....

I despise the word 'other'.
But English lacks the language for me adequately express my gender.

I am not other.

When someone asks about my gender...
I say...
I say...
I hesitate...what is my gender?
I am Mo, but I am also more than Mo.
I am male.
I am female.
I am masculine.
I am feminine.
I am.

I have struggled with the integration of the various parts of myself.

I see fractured pieces of myself, of my expressions of gender.
My body is female, but very masculine.
I have a 'big build.'
Whatever that means.
I take up space.  I grow facial hair.

Lots of facial hair.

So much of my spirit is feminine.
I have a strong attachment to an identity of woman.

Attachment but not always connection.

Sometimes I feel like a whoaman.  Whoa Man. Woe man.

That's the reaction I often receive in female only spaces.
Whoa.  Man!
Man?
are you a man? they ask with their eyes.
rarely do they speak the words.
I read body language.
The stares. The anger. The pity. The confusion. The longing.

Yes.  Occasionally I see longing in their eyes.
In me they glimpse a freedom.
A freedom to be something other than what they see around them.

I have those points longing in my life.
As I emerge from one way of knowing into another.
When I acknowledge my difference.
I seek those moments of connection with others.
Others like me.

My difference.
A strong masculine presence, mixed with the subtle feminine.
The female body, with patches of hair that don't belong.
Side burns. Soul patch.  Back hair.

Well intentioned people ask...

Have you ever tried electrolysis...
Laser Hair removal is amazing...

I hear... in those words...

Remove...
Conform...
Be something different...

Conform. Con. Form. Con.
Con. Fake.

Conformity leaves me feeling empty.
Less than.
Never quite right.

I hate conformity.

But what option does that leave me?

Self expression. Yes.
Uniqueness.  Yes.
Struggle. Yes
Dissonance. Yes.

So much dissonance, as I emerge out of conformity.

There is something so right about it all and something so wrong.
Right in the feeling of wholeness.
Right in the feeling of connectedness.
Right in the integration of self.

WRONG!

Wrong because I live in a world does not understand me.
Wrong because I live in a world based in fear and not love.
Fear that lashes out at people who do not conform.
To PEOPLE like me.

Me.

This is about me.
This is about my emergence.
This is about my seeking freedom and wholeness.

This. Is. Me.

There is nothing neutral about my gender.

Feel Free to Say Whatever You Want

So. I was going to stay quiet.  I was going to let this one pass. I don't need to comment every time someone says something homophobic.  I would never stop talking if I went by that policy.  But I can't stay quiet on this one.  I just can't.  Anytime some talks about homosexuality and bestiality in the same sentence it angers me.  And when I look through my Facebook page and see friends supporting a person who links the two, it makes me sad.  I can understand standing beside him if it was "simply" that he believed homosexuality was a sin.  I get that.  But when you agree with someone who sees no difference or believes that being gay will lead to acceptance of bestiality that hurts.

I support Phil Robertson's freedom to believe or say anything he wants.  He can stand on a street corner and shout that homosexuality is a sin...oh wait that's Fred Phelps.  I don't really care that he thinks that homosexuality is a sin.  I have plenty of people in my life that probably think that as well, but we are able to maintain a friendship just fine.  We can agree to disagree.  For me it is not worth arguing about what god thinks about my relationship with Aimee or my orientation, because, honestly...none of us can know what god thinks.

It makes me frustrated that people think that Phil's Freedom of Speech have been violated for saying what he believes in an interview and then being put on hiatus by his employer.  The First Amendment gives you the right to say what you want and the government cannot come in and censor or try and block your right to say those things.  It does not exempt you from the consequences of your speech in the eyes of your employer or the public.  He is not being thrown in jail for saying those things, that would be a violation of his freedom of speech.  A&E's decision to suspend him is well within their right to do so, as the company who produces his show.

I, as a member of the LGBT community, glad they took that step.  Far too often companies let anti-LGBT bias slide for the sake of a market share or profit.  Or even worse companies inject anti-LGBT humor into shows to get a laugh, to make fun of my community.  So for once.  I am glad a company didn't let it go, that they brought attention to it and said that they support the LGBT community.  They recognized the impact that his words would have and made a move to do something.  I applaud them.

Riding Lessons

I had to pause and take a photo...I was in awe.

I rode my new, amazing, fabulous, incredible, awesome bike to work today and I struggled through the first 12.5 miles of the ride.  I couldn't find a rhythm, I couldn't seem to get any power out of my legs, I couldn't figure it out.  I went back and forth through the gears trying to find something that worked.  I kept coming up short. As I approached the mile long hill, I knew that I need to shift off of the big chain ring in the front to the smaller one, so it would be a little "easier" getting up the hill.  I shifted.  My chain didn't drop down to the smaller ring, it popped up onto the larger ring. I was still on a flat section and all of a sudden I had power, I had speed, and I realized why I was having so many issues on the ride. I had been riding with the wrong chain ring the whole time.  I quickly switched again to the lower ring and started up the hill.  I rode what I could and walked when I needed.  It is steep in sections and my legs were feeling super tired. As I got to the top of the hill, I switched back to the large ring, rounded the corner toward campus, and took off down the road. It. Felt. Awesome. I finished my 14.7 mile ride and I was pretty darn proud of myself.  

But this post really isn't about the ride.  It is what I learned after the ride.  I have not posted much about my health journey for a while.  Mainly because I have not really wanted to post that things have not been going all that well.  I have been riding in the wrong chain ring.  I have not been able to find my power or my rhythm when it comes to food and exercise.  But that doesn't mean my journey was not moving forward.  My focus has been elsewhere.  This morning on my ride, I found myself in awe of the fog on the fields, the colors of the sun through the clouds as it burst out from behind the foothills, the ice crystals forming on my gloves and jacket.  All of these things held my attention while I struggled to find my rhythm on the bike.  I was still moving forward, I was still moving towards my destination.  

As I took my focus off my health journey my attention has been fixed on various other points.  I have been spending a fair amount of time doing some deep internal work.  It has been vitally important for me to focus on that work and I am in a better place because I made that my focus.  But as my focus shifted to that work I struggled with workouts and making healthy food choices.  My weight has gone back up, my fitness levels have gone down.  I have be out of rhythm and lacking power.  By no means do I think I have failed in my journey, I am still moving forward, but I need to pause for a split second, check my chain ring, and make sure it is in the right place for the path that I am on.  

If I had paused this morning at mile 2, at mile 3, at mile 7, to check the chain ring, I would have had a smoother ride AND still experienced all of the things that held my attention.  The beauty would not have been lost because I was moving at a faster speed, or with more power.  If anything the beauty would have been enhanced because I was not struggling against the gears, with my attention divided between my aching legs and the wonder that surrounded me. 

I know that when I am riding down the path with health as my focus, things fall into place a lot quicker. I am more in tune with my surrounds and myself. I want that in my life again. I need that in my life again.  So today I choose to check my chain ring. I choose to refocus on what it means for me to be healthy.  I choose to not struggle against the wrong gear anymore.  I am proud of myself for the things I have pushed through and the time I have spent in the wrong gear, because I never quit.  I didn't stop moving forward.  I am still on the path, but now I'm in the right gear.  

Are you riding in the wrong chain ring for your current path?  If so, choose to check it.  Listen to what you need to make the change.  Find the right gear and enjoy the ride.  You don't need to struggle.  

What today means to me

Our Wedding Day August 7, 2010

 Today is a good day.  A historic day.  I woke up with knots in my stomach, knowing that within minutes there would be an announcement that would directly impact my life, for good or bad.  I will hold on to the memory of seeing that a provision of DOMA had been struck down.  I just stared at my phone, in semi-disbelief, history had been made and I was on the right side of it, the winning side.

Was it a perfect victory? No.  My friends in states that have anti-marriage equality written into their constitutions are still not equal.  Even if they have a marriage license from another state, they will not receive all the benefits of federally recognized marriage.  There is much to be sorted out and another round of legal battles to be fought in order for true marriage equality to rule in this great nation.  But today is a day for celebration. We need days like this to laugh, to cry happy tears, to dance in the streets, and to feel like we are a part of something bigger than ourselves.

We need days like this, because sometimes the weight of being LGBT in our culture can be heavy.  Even with incredible people around me, it is hard to not internalize the anti-LGBT crap that is so pervasive. Leading up to and after big decisions such as this I tend to avoid the media, in all forms. (With the exception of social media, I can just block you if you piss me off.) People say the craziest shit about LGBT people in times like this, and for the record, marriage equality will not lead to polygamy, or marrying underage people, or marrying goats or dogs or horses or whatever animal the talking head wants to spout off about.  I try to laugh when I hear things like this, because if I don't it just pisses me off to no end.  And I can't live in a state of constant anger, it just isn't healthy.  But even though I laugh when I hear those things, it is a reminder to me that there are people who view me as other, as less than, as second class.  That hurts.  That is hard to not internalize.

But today my love for Aimee was recognized as equal.  To know that (once we sign the papers) our marriage is equal in the eyes of the law is incredible.  I am tearing up just thinking about it.  So what does to today mean to me?  It means that I feel like I am fully a part of this country.  It means that we are taking steps as a nation to right wrongs.  Yes.  We have more work ahead of us.  And there are more pressing issues for LGBT people than marriage, access to education, homelessness, job security, trans inclusive health care, anti discrimination work, and on and on and on.  There are still people being beaten and killed for having the audacity to live into their fullness and awesomeness, people who refuse to crawl into a hole and deny an essential part of who they are. So we must continue to change hearts and minds, to change laws, and most importantly, live into our fullness and awesomeness.  Today a weight fell off my shoulders, today the world changed for the better, today is a good day.

Divine Timing...AKA My Texas Adventure

Powerful. Wonderful. Transformational. Empowering. And of course...awesome. These words all touch on my incredible trip to Texas. I'm sitting here in the airplane trying to capture the spirit of this adventure. I am calling upon the universe to help me find the words, to help me to write about the shift that is taking place in my life.

I came to Texas to have fun, get tons of long over due hugs, and to meet fabulous people who have made deep and last impressions on my life. I leave Texas with all of that and more. I will say right up front, I was in a not great place when I arrived in Texas. I had been hiding food, binging, and letting the chaos in my mind take control of my life. My weight, while not the end all be all, had been going up, I was feeling big, bloated, and heavy. I was not feeling like the super Mo that had been so full of life and so ready to take on the world. Little did I know, that I would find super Mo again and find a deeper awesome than I have ever known. That's pretty amazing for a week long trip!

When I arrived in Texas I made the choice to be open, to not shut myself down in uneasy situations, and to try and go with the flow. That choice left me open to incredible conversations and incredible insights. Each person I met with, each discussion and interaction moved me forward and allowed my heart to open more.

It all started with a sunny afternoon meditation break in Maggie's backyard. As we laid there meditating, I felt a calm and a peace come over me. I was ready to let go, to let myself be vulnerable and to allow transformation to enter my life. In that moment I knew I would not be the same. I had no idea how my life would change, but I knew that I was ready. That night we went to a spring equinox meditation. It was there that I met Lori. At the time I had a feeling that I would see her again, but brushed it off. I was only in Texas for a week, why would I see her again? Ha! I need to trust my gut! When it says someone will be in my life again, I need to trust it. We did meet again and she helped to open me to a whole new level of understanding! But more on that in a moment.

I left the meditation feeling at peace, ready to open to the messages that would come to me during the rest of the trip. I also left with a distinct impression that I needed to start asking for help and to not wait until I was at the end of my rope. (It's a habit I am trying to break!) As I was driving to Austin I was caught up in a traffic backup and had a good 30 minutes to sit, drive REALLY slow, and think. I asked the universe what I needed, where did I need help and to guide me to the right people. The message that came back to me told me to stay open and to send Maggie a text. I am so glad I did both!

While I was in Austin each person had a message for me, whether they knew it or not. I was nervous going into ETB Boot Camp. Nervous about the workout, but also nervous about meeting so many members of my ETB family. I had met these ladies online, where I am not afraid to be open and honest about who I am. I had a fear that they would see me and reject me. I know, it sounds crazy, but that what was going through me head. I felt nothing but love! Each smile, each hug, gave me and energy boost and filled my heart. I am so honored to be a part of the ETB family.

Meeting Kim was incredible, beyond awesome, and our conversation was full of messages for me. She seems like a hard ass, but she has a heart of gold. I felt nothing but love and care from her and I am truly blessed to be able to call her a friend. During our conversation I realized that I thought I had run into a brick wall and didn't know how to get over it. It reality, I had backed myself up against the wall and was using it as a support system. I was afraid to step away, to dream big, to be big, to be me. I will not live my life tucked up against that wall anymore. There is the possibility that I may fall on my face, but at least I will be living and not hiding. Our conversation rekindled my desire to get fit, to love myself through how I treat my body, and to be willing to step up and step out into this good life. I have much to share with the world.

My lunch with Christy confirmed much of the message that I had heard from Kim and opened me to the wonder that is the city of Austin. She drove me around, showing me the sights, and with each stop, I fell deeper in love with the city. As we parted I knew that I would be seeing her again, not on this trip, but soon. I left feeling like we have much to share with one another and we would have the opportunity to grow our friendship.

Dinner with my IIN study buddy Kim was equally as powerful. For years various people have told me that I need to write a book. I have always brushed them off, who am I to write a book? What do I have to say? Sure I blog, but a book? Yeah, right! Earlier in the week during the meditation in the sun the idea of writing a book had come up again, this time I didn't shut it down, I remained open to the possibility. Well, during our dinner conversation, my mouth flew open and out came the premise of my book. As I was talking my heart was doing backflips of happiness, I had a confirmation of what had been opened up earlier in the week. I also had a fabulous dinner with an awesome friend!

Breakfast the next morning with Jennifer was so rad! It reminded me that years may pass, but you can always pick up where you left off with a friendship. We hadn't seen each other since high school graduation and conversation just flowed. And again, I felt at home and at peace in Austin. As I drove away from the city, I knew I would be back. I knew that Aimee and I would live there sometime in the future. Yes, it is a long way from family, but I felt so at home there. I left a piece of my heart in Austin. I will be back and it will be awesome!

My adventuring took me to Houston next and to lunch with my little sister, Amanda Cooke. I lived with the Cooke family when I lived in Egypt. They were a family on the move, full of life and energy. They helped me to come out of my shell and be a little more outgoing. It was fabulous to see Amanda and I still can't believe that she is in med school! She will be an amazing doctor. During our conversation she asked about my time in Egypt, she had read my blog posts and wondered if I was glad that I spent the year there. The question caught me a little off guard and made me think. And yes. I am thankful for my experiences, good and bad, in Egypt. It was painful and hard at times, but without that experience I would not be the person that I am. I would not be in the place I am today. I needed that experience to bring me into the full knowledge that I am who I am, just as I am, and I am who God intended me to be.

After Houston I head north to College Station and another of my Egypt "kids". Yes I know y'all are not kids any more, but to me you are, even if you have husbands, wives, partners and kids of your own. I still think back on that year and smile at the amazing amount of laughter and awesome that I shared with you all. Seeing Suzy was awesome. Her apartment was full of energy and good conversation. My heart was glad to see the smile on her face and light in her eyes. She and I have had similar paths and to see her well and full of life brought me joy.

The next morning I headed back to Mansfield. The text I had sent Maggie on my way to Austin, brought Lori and I back together again. Lori is a Reiki master. Maggie and I had been talking about Reiki before I left for Austin and on the way down I got the distinct message that I needed to see if Lori had time to do an attunement for me when I returned to Mansfield. Reiki is something that had been on the periphery of my life in different ways and had been coming up more and more often in my life. I had worked with energies before in counseling to help open up deep hurts and work through them to find healing and let them go. So when I got the message to be attuned, I was nervous, but I knew that it was the right step for me. I don't have the words yet to describe what I experienced with Lori. I am so excited about the possibilities of the future. The incredible opportunities that lie ahead for me. And the incredible insights that are opening up in my life. I walked away from the encounter profoundly moved and changed.

So I sit here, heading home to my love, feeling like I left home in Texas. It was the people, it was the experiences, it was the divine timing. When we allow ourselves to open up to the incredible possibility of life, we will be blown away by the awesomeness that comes our way. My friends, open yourselves to the awesome possibilities in life. Don't close yourselves off, don't live in fear, be the wonderful people that you are, in all your awesomeness.

Letting go

I live in a state of constant monitor and control. I am always reading my environment. Is it safe seems to be the question I ask the most often. What does safety mean to me? Can I ever truly be safe? For me the answer is no. If I choose to live an open honest life, if I choose as I have, to truly live into the awesomeness of me, it means putting myself in to a space of vulnerability. And that my friends is a scary place to be. To be vulnerable means to be open for whatever may come my way, good or bad. It involves risk, but also contains great reward. To be vulnerable, to be open, is to live with your whole heart. I want to live with my whole heart. I want to be centered in who I am and I want to let my light shine.

I have been hiding my light. I have been withdrawing and closing myself off to the world around me. I am ready to release the need to hide. Does it mean I will never try and hid myself away again? Does it mean I will always be completely open with no hesitation? No. Those are hard habits to break, it is how I learned to survive, they helped to get to this point in my story. But it is time to let go of that hesitation and let myself be. I am excited about the possibility that lies in the letting go.

What is holding you back from an open life, from your whole self? Honor yourself, ask the question, live into the wholeness and amazing you.

I leave you with a quote I shared a couple of weeks ago, I carry it in my wallet as a reminder to myself to be my whole self,

"The world needs your light, it needs your story. It needs you with all your bumps and bruises. You don't need to be perfect, you just need to be you. That is all you can be."

Be you. It is the greatest gift you can share with the world!