What today means to me

Our Wedding Day August 7, 2010

 Today is a good day.  A historic day.  I woke up with knots in my stomach, knowing that within minutes there would be an announcement that would directly impact my life, for good or bad.  I will hold on to the memory of seeing that a provision of DOMA had been struck down.  I just stared at my phone, in semi-disbelief, history had been made and I was on the right side of it, the winning side.

Was it a perfect victory? No.  My friends in states that have anti-marriage equality written into their constitutions are still not equal.  Even if they have a marriage license from another state, they will not receive all the benefits of federally recognized marriage.  There is much to be sorted out and another round of legal battles to be fought in order for true marriage equality to rule in this great nation.  But today is a day for celebration. We need days like this to laugh, to cry happy tears, to dance in the streets, and to feel like we are a part of something bigger than ourselves.

We need days like this, because sometimes the weight of being LGBT in our culture can be heavy.  Even with incredible people around me, it is hard to not internalize the anti-LGBT crap that is so pervasive. Leading up to and after big decisions such as this I tend to avoid the media, in all forms. (With the exception of social media, I can just block you if you piss me off.) People say the craziest shit about LGBT people in times like this, and for the record, marriage equality will not lead to polygamy, or marrying underage people, or marrying goats or dogs or horses or whatever animal the talking head wants to spout off about.  I try to laugh when I hear things like this, because if I don't it just pisses me off to no end.  And I can't live in a state of constant anger, it just isn't healthy.  But even though I laugh when I hear those things, it is a reminder to me that there are people who view me as other, as less than, as second class.  That hurts.  That is hard to not internalize.

But today my love for Aimee was recognized as equal.  To know that (once we sign the papers) our marriage is equal in the eyes of the law is incredible.  I am tearing up just thinking about it.  So what does to today mean to me?  It means that I feel like I am fully a part of this country.  It means that we are taking steps as a nation to right wrongs.  Yes.  We have more work ahead of us.  And there are more pressing issues for LGBT people than marriage, access to education, homelessness, job security, trans inclusive health care, anti discrimination work, and on and on and on.  There are still people being beaten and killed for having the audacity to live into their fullness and awesomeness, people who refuse to crawl into a hole and deny an essential part of who they are. So we must continue to change hearts and minds, to change laws, and most importantly, live into our fullness and awesomeness.  Today a weight fell off my shoulders, today the world changed for the better, today is a good day.

Divine Timing...AKA My Texas Adventure

Powerful. Wonderful. Transformational. Empowering. And of course...awesome. These words all touch on my incredible trip to Texas. I'm sitting here in the airplane trying to capture the spirit of this adventure. I am calling upon the universe to help me find the words, to help me to write about the shift that is taking place in my life.

I came to Texas to have fun, get tons of long over due hugs, and to meet fabulous people who have made deep and last impressions on my life. I leave Texas with all of that and more. I will say right up front, I was in a not great place when I arrived in Texas. I had been hiding food, binging, and letting the chaos in my mind take control of my life. My weight, while not the end all be all, had been going up, I was feeling big, bloated, and heavy. I was not feeling like the super Mo that had been so full of life and so ready to take on the world. Little did I know, that I would find super Mo again and find a deeper awesome than I have ever known. That's pretty amazing for a week long trip!

When I arrived in Texas I made the choice to be open, to not shut myself down in uneasy situations, and to try and go with the flow. That choice left me open to incredible conversations and incredible insights. Each person I met with, each discussion and interaction moved me forward and allowed my heart to open more.

It all started with a sunny afternoon meditation break in Maggie's backyard. As we laid there meditating, I felt a calm and a peace come over me. I was ready to let go, to let myself be vulnerable and to allow transformation to enter my life. In that moment I knew I would not be the same. I had no idea how my life would change, but I knew that I was ready. That night we went to a spring equinox meditation. It was there that I met Lori. At the time I had a feeling that I would see her again, but brushed it off. I was only in Texas for a week, why would I see her again? Ha! I need to trust my gut! When it says someone will be in my life again, I need to trust it. We did meet again and she helped to open me to a whole new level of understanding! But more on that in a moment.

I left the meditation feeling at peace, ready to open to the messages that would come to me during the rest of the trip. I also left with a distinct impression that I needed to start asking for help and to not wait until I was at the end of my rope. (It's a habit I am trying to break!) As I was driving to Austin I was caught up in a traffic backup and had a good 30 minutes to sit, drive REALLY slow, and think. I asked the universe what I needed, where did I need help and to guide me to the right people. The message that came back to me told me to stay open and to send Maggie a text. I am so glad I did both!

While I was in Austin each person had a message for me, whether they knew it or not. I was nervous going into ETB Boot Camp. Nervous about the workout, but also nervous about meeting so many members of my ETB family. I had met these ladies online, where I am not afraid to be open and honest about who I am. I had a fear that they would see me and reject me. I know, it sounds crazy, but that what was going through me head. I felt nothing but love! Each smile, each hug, gave me and energy boost and filled my heart. I am so honored to be a part of the ETB family.

Meeting Kim was incredible, beyond awesome, and our conversation was full of messages for me. She seems like a hard ass, but she has a heart of gold. I felt nothing but love and care from her and I am truly blessed to be able to call her a friend. During our conversation I realized that I thought I had run into a brick wall and didn't know how to get over it. It reality, I had backed myself up against the wall and was using it as a support system. I was afraid to step away, to dream big, to be big, to be me. I will not live my life tucked up against that wall anymore. There is the possibility that I may fall on my face, but at least I will be living and not hiding. Our conversation rekindled my desire to get fit, to love myself through how I treat my body, and to be willing to step up and step out into this good life. I have much to share with the world.

My lunch with Christy confirmed much of the message that I had heard from Kim and opened me to the wonder that is the city of Austin. She drove me around, showing me the sights, and with each stop, I fell deeper in love with the city. As we parted I knew that I would be seeing her again, not on this trip, but soon. I left feeling like we have much to share with one another and we would have the opportunity to grow our friendship.

Dinner with my IIN study buddy Kim was equally as powerful. For years various people have told me that I need to write a book. I have always brushed them off, who am I to write a book? What do I have to say? Sure I blog, but a book? Yeah, right! Earlier in the week during the meditation in the sun the idea of writing a book had come up again, this time I didn't shut it down, I remained open to the possibility. Well, during our dinner conversation, my mouth flew open and out came the premise of my book. As I was talking my heart was doing backflips of happiness, I had a confirmation of what had been opened up earlier in the week. I also had a fabulous dinner with an awesome friend!

Breakfast the next morning with Jennifer was so rad! It reminded me that years may pass, but you can always pick up where you left off with a friendship. We hadn't seen each other since high school graduation and conversation just flowed. And again, I felt at home and at peace in Austin. As I drove away from the city, I knew I would be back. I knew that Aimee and I would live there sometime in the future. Yes, it is a long way from family, but I felt so at home there. I left a piece of my heart in Austin. I will be back and it will be awesome!

My adventuring took me to Houston next and to lunch with my little sister, Amanda Cooke. I lived with the Cooke family when I lived in Egypt. They were a family on the move, full of life and energy. They helped me to come out of my shell and be a little more outgoing. It was fabulous to see Amanda and I still can't believe that she is in med school! She will be an amazing doctor. During our conversation she asked about my time in Egypt, she had read my blog posts and wondered if I was glad that I spent the year there. The question caught me a little off guard and made me think. And yes. I am thankful for my experiences, good and bad, in Egypt. It was painful and hard at times, but without that experience I would not be the person that I am. I would not be in the place I am today. I needed that experience to bring me into the full knowledge that I am who I am, just as I am, and I am who God intended me to be.

After Houston I head north to College Station and another of my Egypt "kids". Yes I know y'all are not kids any more, but to me you are, even if you have husbands, wives, partners and kids of your own. I still think back on that year and smile at the amazing amount of laughter and awesome that I shared with you all. Seeing Suzy was awesome. Her apartment was full of energy and good conversation. My heart was glad to see the smile on her face and light in her eyes. She and I have had similar paths and to see her well and full of life brought me joy.

The next morning I headed back to Mansfield. The text I had sent Maggie on my way to Austin, brought Lori and I back together again. Lori is a Reiki master. Maggie and I had been talking about Reiki before I left for Austin and on the way down I got the distinct message that I needed to see if Lori had time to do an attunement for me when I returned to Mansfield. Reiki is something that had been on the periphery of my life in different ways and had been coming up more and more often in my life. I had worked with energies before in counseling to help open up deep hurts and work through them to find healing and let them go. So when I got the message to be attuned, I was nervous, but I knew that it was the right step for me. I don't have the words yet to describe what I experienced with Lori. I am so excited about the possibilities of the future. The incredible opportunities that lie ahead for me. And the incredible insights that are opening up in my life. I walked away from the encounter profoundly moved and changed.

So I sit here, heading home to my love, feeling like I left home in Texas. It was the people, it was the experiences, it was the divine timing. When we allow ourselves to open up to the incredible possibility of life, we will be blown away by the awesomeness that comes our way. My friends, open yourselves to the awesome possibilities in life. Don't close yourselves off, don't live in fear, be the wonderful people that you are, in all your awesomeness.

Letting go

I live in a state of constant monitor and control. I am always reading my environment. Is it safe seems to be the question I ask the most often. What does safety mean to me? Can I ever truly be safe? For me the answer is no. If I choose to live an open honest life, if I choose as I have, to truly live into the awesomeness of me, it means putting myself in to a space of vulnerability. And that my friends is a scary place to be. To be vulnerable means to be open for whatever may come my way, good or bad. It involves risk, but also contains great reward. To be vulnerable, to be open, is to live with your whole heart. I want to live with my whole heart. I want to be centered in who I am and I want to let my light shine.

I have been hiding my light. I have been withdrawing and closing myself off to the world around me. I am ready to release the need to hide. Does it mean I will never try and hid myself away again? Does it mean I will always be completely open with no hesitation? No. Those are hard habits to break, it is how I learned to survive, they helped to get to this point in my story. But it is time to let go of that hesitation and let myself be. I am excited about the possibility that lies in the letting go.

What is holding you back from an open life, from your whole self? Honor yourself, ask the question, live into the wholeness and amazing you.

I leave you with a quote I shared a couple of weeks ago, I carry it in my wallet as a reminder to myself to be my whole self,

"The world needs your light, it needs your story. It needs you with all your bumps and bruises. You don't need to be perfect, you just need to be you. That is all you can be."

Be you. It is the greatest gift you can share with the world!

Cooking From the Hip

My favorite show on the Food Network is 'Chopped'. In the first round, four chefs have a basket of mystery ingredients and 20 minutes to cook a fabulous first course from ingredients that, at best, are a little odd and, at worst, are completely wrong together.  Each round has a losing chef that is "chopped," leaving the others to move onto the next round with a new mystery basket, until one chef remains as the 'Chopped Champion'. Chopped is cooking from the hip at its finest.  It is saying, "This is what I have, let's go with it." I love watching as they stare blankly at the basket, waiting for inspiration to strike, then bolting to the pantry, grabbing herbs or butter or bread, chopping, slicing, frying, baking, all in the name of love.  Watching people who love what they do inspires me.  

When I'm in the kitchen I cook from the hip.  I use recipes when I am exploring a new style of cooking.  I fell in love with curries a couple of years ago.  I used recipes until I had a firm enough grasp on the way to cook a good curry, then started experimenting on my own.  Changing and twisting and making food my way. I love to go to the fridge, pull out whatever happens to be in there, and cook it into a wonderful meal.  It is my own version of Chopped. (Without the stress of time or elimination.) 

I am not going to give you an exact recipe for what I made tonight.  I don't measure quantities of ingredients, I go with what I have, I cook from the hip.  Aimee keeps telling me that not everyone knows how to cook like this, but I didn't always either.  I think it is something that you can learn to do, if you let go and trust the process, learn a few simple cooking techniques, remember what tastes good together, and go with you gut.  So let me walk you through my process tonight and you can start adventuring with food too!

We ate the rainbow for dinner!

 Step 1: Gather your ingredients!  We had a ton of leftover veg from last week, so I pulled most of it out and chopped it up.
From the top left of the cutting board (clockwise):
- 1.5 Yellow Onions - chopped
- Stems of 6 Baby Bella Mushrooms - diced
- 5-7 Garlic Cloves - peeled
- 3-4 Celery Stalks - cut at an angle (Fancy, I know)
- 2 Carrots - cut on an angle
- 6 Baby Bella Mushrooms - sliced
- 1 Red Bell Pepper - Diced
- Half head Red Cabbage - sliced
After I cut it all up, I stared at it for a few minutes wondering what direction to take with the flavors.  This mixture is a good base for a number of cuisines.  You may not have all of these things in your fridge, but a mixture of carrot, celery, and onion is a great basic base as well.  I wasn't sure what to do so I went to my pantry, I needed something to tie it all together.  We had a bottle of Curry Simmer Sauce from Trader Joe's.  I knew with a pile of veg like that I would need to extend the sauce a little so I grabbed the veggie broth I had in the fridge.  I went back to the pantry and grabbed the red lentils, chickpeas, and coconut oil.  I try to prep everything first, then start cooking.  Sometimes I will chop as I go, but I find the more prep the better.

When my favorite pan was hot and the coconut oil (about 1.5 T) was nice and melty, I tossed in the onion and cooked it until soft and some of the onions had started to brown.  I didn't brown them all, just some.  I used my garlic press on 4 of the cloves and pressed them directly into the onions.  I stirred until they were fragrant.  Garlic burns easily so you don't want to let it stay on the heat for a long period of time.  

When you start to smell the wonderful garlic it is time to toss in the rest of the veg. I let this bunch cook a little while, 3-5 minutes, I think. (Did I mention I don't do precision cooking?) I made sure it was all mixed together well and heated through.

I added the broth, curry simmer sauce, lentils, and chickpeas.  (Our chickpeas had been cooked once and dehydrated to cut the cooking time, so if you want to try and follow this meal, you may opt for a can or precook dried chickpeas.)  I stirred it all together, added some salt, and brought it to a boil.  Then simmered for about 30 minutes to make sure the lentils and the chickpeas were cooked through.   

I tasted after the simmering was done and I found it to be missing a layer of depth and a tad too sweet.  I went back to the fridge and grabbed a couple of handfuls of baby kale and two small limes. I stirred it all together and let the kale cook down.  I added kale because it has a slight bitterness to it, but not crazy bitter.  The limes added a hit of acid that created a nice flavor profile.  

Almost ready for the bowl!! While I cooked a quick batch of rice, I let it cook down a little longer. 

I cooked up the mushrooms in their own special way.  I added about a tablespoon of coconut oil and a spoonful of bacon grease to the pan. When it was all good and ready, I added 2 minced garlic cloves and my pile o'mushrooms and turned them over in the pan to make sure they were all coated.  Then I just let them cook down, stirring occasionally.  

When they got to this point (I don't know how long) I grabbed my curry powder from Market Spice and tossed about 2 t onto the 'shrooms.  I stirred it all together, tasted, added salt and the juice from half a lime.  I let them continue to cook a little longer, then turned the burner down to keep them warm.  

When the rice was done, I put a small amount (maybe half a cup) into the bottom of the bowl, spooned a generous helping of the veggie curry topped with fresh cilantro, and then the mushrooms on top.  Delicious, nutritious, easy, and awesome.  They way I like to cook!

If you don't trust yourself in the kitchen, start with recipes, build your skills, then trust your instincts.  Most importantly, have fun!  Cooking doesn't have to be a chore.  If you need ideas or have questions, let me know and I will help you along your way!

Chili!!

CHILI!!!

I love making chili and I almost never follow the same recipe.  But this one was good enough to write down so I thought I would share it with you!  It came together quite quickly and was delightful!  Feel free to tweak it as you see fit.  But give it a go...you won't regret it.




Olive Oil, Bacon Fat, or Butter
1 Lbs Ground Turkey
1 Medium Onion Chopped
1 Green Bell Pepper Chopped
3 Cloves Garlic minced
2 Small Zucchini - Big Chop
5-6 Mushrooms - Halved then chopped
1 Small Can Tomato Paste
1 Can Diced Tomatoes
1 Small Can Rotel Tomato Sauce
1 tsp ground Oregano
2 tsp Cumin
1 tsp Hot Chili Powder
.5 Tbls New Mexico Chili Powder
2 Tbls Mild Chili Powder
1 Can Kidney Beans - Rinsed
1 Can Black Beans - Rinsed
4 Cups Beef Stock

In a small dish measure out the spices and set aside.  I used bacon fat to add a smokey flavor, but you can use whatever oil you would like.  Because turkey breast tends to not have a lot of fat, I cook it in a spot of oil.  Brown the meat, drain it, and set aside in a bowl.  Add a little more fat, cook the onion until soft, a couple of minutes.  Add the pepper and garlic cook until fragrant, add zucchini, mushrooms, tomato paste, diced tomato, tomato sauce, and browned meat. Stir everything together until all mixed.  Add the spices and stir together.  Add beans and beef stock.  Stir it all up, add some salt and pepper, bring to a simmer and let it sit for a while, until it reduces a bit and thickens up.  I think it simmered for about 40 minutes.

We enjoyed it with a dollop of plain Greek yogurt.

Lessons from the Wind

The wind is howling on the Palouse this morning.  It is the perfect amount of wind, enough to send the trees swaying but not breaking, enough to make the brightly colored leaves swirl around you, and enough to make you feel slightly unsteady as you walk.  The clouds are amazing this morning, grey with highlights of pink and purple, blue sky peeking through breaks.  The Palouse is alive and vibrant this morning.

I have been stalled out in my journey lately.  My workouts have ranged from rockin awesome (on rare occasion) to just not happening (on a fairly regular basis).  I have felt unsure of myself, I have felt frustrated by not knowing what is coming for Aimee and I, and I have been trying to figure out what it means to hold steady in all of this tumult.  But as I walked from the Rec Center to my office this morning, the wind taught me a valuable lesson.  As the wind swirled around me, blowing leaves every which way and threatening to blow over folks on their bikes, I just kept moving.  I planted one foot in front of the other and just kept moving.  Yes I was blown around a bit and had to retouch my hair when I got back to my office :) , but I made it just fine.  

The winds in my life are blowing strong.  We don't know where we are going, we don't know what tomorrow will bring.  But if we keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward, we will arrive at our destination.  So my dear friends if the winds of life are threatening and you feel like you are being blown over, know that you are strong enough to walk through it, one step at a time.  

A different coming out...

If you have read my blog, you know most of my coming out story. Today  is National Coming Out Day and I want to write about a different kind of coming out. It isn't about my sexuality or my gender expression, but it is something very personal to me and in some ways even more private than my sexuality.  This morning I posted on Facebook that I hurt and that I was having a pretty awful flare up.  I had a couple of folks ask me about it. (Which was not my intention, I really just needed support in that moment.)  I have been thinking about it all day and decided that I would write a blog post about it and let you all in on what is going on.

It all started long, long ago.  In high school I would get large boil like sores on my face. (Let me tell ya, for someone who was already feeling out of place, that little addition was priceless!)  They would come and go, I was put on acne medication and told to keep my face clean.  I did and they persisted.  I chalked it up to teenage hormones and was the target of plenty of harassment because of them.  Eventually they stopped forming on my face, but they were not forgotten.  My cheeks bear the scars their presence.  For years after high school I would get little isolated sores on my legs, groin, and occasionally in my armpit.  Again I figured it was just acne and tried to keep things as clean as possible, hoping they would just go away.  Sometimes they would get big, like in high school, come to a head and pop.  I didn't go to a doctor about them because well...who really wants to draw attention to sores in your nether regions?  Plus they didn't really hurt most of the time, so I figured they were just a part of my life.

Over the years I have had a couple of scares with the sores.  I had one form on my breast. (For someone with a family history of breast cancer, finding a lump is a little scary.) It turned out to be nothing, but when I had another one form in my armpit, I again got a little worried.  And when is grew to be the length of a baby carrot and extremely painful I decided to go to my doctor.  I did a little research before my appointment (I don't suggest self diagnosing yourself, but a little research to open the conversation up with you doc is perfectly reasonable.)  I came prepared with a print out of what I thought it was, really truly hoping I was wrong and that my doc would say, "Oh no, that's not it, take this pill and it will all be better."  Alas, that was not the case, instead, she took one look at the sore asked me a couple of questions and said, you have Hidradenitis suppurativa (HS).  My heart sunk because the paper folded neatly in my pocket was all about HS and I knew there was no cure.  She went on to say she had seen one other case, a woman who had come to her to get a doctor's finding for a disability claim.  Her HS had progressed to a point where she was in chronic pain and unable to work.  I wanted to cry.

So what is HS?  The long and the short of it is this, it is a skin disease.  (No it is not contagious, thank god.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone!)  It generally appears in regions of the body where skin touches skin, like the arm pits, groin and bum.  It also forms under bra and underwear lines. It can also form in other places, like the face or near hair follicles. Sweat glands get blocked and form lumps, sometimes they hurt, generally they really hurt.  If they remain blocked fluid can form behind them and can become infected and give the appearance of being a boil.  When they become inflamed is when the pain really starts for me.  The one in my armpit got so bad I could not put my arm down.  I am in stage I, thankfully.  My sores are isolated and have not formed tracts below the skin.  In Stage II tunnels form between sores and it spreads across a large area.  Stage III is beyond my comprehension of pain and I pray that I never, ever, ever, progress that far.

Why am I sharing this with you?  The first reason, I need your support.  I am going gluten free in an effort to reduce my symptoms and hopefully reduce the impact on my life.  I am not making this change lightly and it has caused a fair amount of frustration and tears.  I love sammiches, french toast, and a beautiful crusty baguette every now and again...oh and desserts, don't get me started on pastries, pies, and cakes on special occasions.  But I also love not being in pain, I love being able to sit in a car and not want to cry because it hurts to sit from Palouse to Moscow. (20 Minutes)  I have done some experimenting with food and research on what others have tried to combat their symptoms and eliminating gluten has been a major factor in relief.  And right now, I am looking forward to a little relief.  There may be other things that I try, but for now gluten is leaving my life.

The other reason I wanted to share is because I don't want to hide this anymore.  HS is a disease that most people want to hide.  Really I would rather not be talking about this, I would rather not have it, but I do, so I will help educate and reach out to others that may have it. There is little research being done and there is no cure, it is does not have big bucks coming in to study it.  Most of the time doctors throw drugs at the problem and hope it goes away.  But HS doesn't go away with pills, sometimes it flares bigger and badder, sometimes the symptoms are reduced to bearable.  I don't know about you, but living a "bearable" life is not my idea of awesome. I am going to do what I can to live a full, awesome, pain-free life.  If you have HS, HS like symptoms, or know someone who does, know that you are not alone.  I would love to connect with you and we can walk down this path together.

I am sparing you the gory details of this disease, if you want to see photos or know more about the experiences there are plenty of sites out there for you to read.  If you want to ask questions about how it has progressed for me, or you want a little more detail, I will happily share it with you via email.  I wrote this to reach out, to connect, and to continue to live an open and honest life.  This is not intended to be a "poor Mo" post. HS is a part of who I am, I am learning what it means for me, and how I can control it.  It does not define me. I will not allow it to hold me back from the person I want to be and the amazing things I have ahead of me.