I See You

My wonderful, amazing friends. All of you. No matter where you fall in the realm of support for the current president, all of you, are important to me. We are all on this path together. Your success is my success, and my success is yours.

Let me make one thing clear though, I will not and cannot, heed to your calls for unity and to fall in line behind the president. I will not suck it up, get over it, and move on, because so far where we are heading scares the shit out of me. My friends, who have said this, please know that if I could, I would, but I cannot. I love my country far too much, to not challenge what I see as dangerous and oppressive.

We do not see eye to eye at all. We could not be further apart on issues and I want to dismiss the difference by saying that I just don't understand your point of view. But you know what, that would be a lie, because I do.

Once upon a time, really not all that long ago, I lived a sheltered, middle class, white, presumed straight, Christian, female, life. I thought racism ended, when segregation ended. I thought being gay was a choice. And if you worked hard enough anyone could have anything they wanted. I didn't see the oppression that was right in front of my face, because I was privileged enough to not have to notice it. I get it when some of you posted about the Women's March and how you don't think it was necessary and that it was a bunch of whiny liberals, who are not actually oppressed, because you personally don't feel oppressed. 

You know what? To be completely honest, there are days, I wish that I could feel like that again, I really do. There are days when I wish, I could go back in my nice neat, bubble of 'safety' and not need to think about oppression, to not know what it feels like, and to not have my heart ripped out with each headline and news story. Your lived experience has brought you to where you are in life, I do not fault you for that and I hold no judgement toward you. I was you.

I desperately tried to stay within the walls of safety. When I started feeling my difference, I rejected it. My rejection ran deep into my core. I hated myself. I hated that I was anything other than what I 'should' be, than what I was supposed to be. I was terrified to be different, because I knew how people who were different were treated. It was the experience of coming out that opened my eyes to the suffering and oppression all around me. Once I experienced it first hand, there was no way that I could not see it.

And even though I have experienced oppression, that does not mean I know about all oppression. My lived experience has taught me about what it is like to be a middle class, white, and queer, in our culture. I also fully acknowledge and recognize that right now, with my long hair, that I am easily not read as other, as queer, that I can move through this world with ease, and not need to 'worry' about my oppression. Keeping my hair long has been very intentional on my part and I fully recognize my privilege in being able to not be read as different and not have to face it on a daily basis.

Oppression in all of its forms is alive and well in our country. It has been bubbling for a very long time and erupted in this election cycle and is oozing out the tip of the president's pen as he signs his executive orders. Some of you probably agree with the things he is signing and while it tears at my heart to think about the damage that is being done, I also recognize that you are who you are and you get to make your own decisions about what you think is right. Just as I get to do the same.

Please hear me when I say this, I do not think I am better than you, or more righteous, or evolved, or any of the words you may want to throw my way. I am not preaching or telling you to be different or that you should see things my way. I am not going to call you names or tell you, you are stupid for believing what you believe. I do not know your lived experience that brought you to where you are today.

What I will do is say this, I see you. My heart to your heart, I see you. I see the fear, I see the pain, I see the defensiveness, and I see the suffering. I also see how much you love the people around you; I see how much you want good things in this life.

My hope for this post is that it allows you to pause and reflect on why you hold so tightly to what you believe. I am not asking you to do anything with what you find. All I am asking is that you get curious, look at the why, and play with whatever arises for you. Do with it as you will.

I love you. I see you. I deeply respect your journey.

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As a final note: Tone is so hard to read when written on a screen. These words, I am speaking from my heart to yours, with compassion and understanding. If they stir you, if you find yourself getting angry or upset with me, please, pause. Take a breath and know that it is not my intent, but I also know that though it may not be my intent, that does not lessen the actual impact on your own heart. I am happy to dialogue with you about anything that comes up for you. 

Unstuck

Snow. We had a lot of it fall from the sky in the last 24 hours.

Snow. I love it. Really I do, I am not being a smart ass. It's my favorite form of water. It makes me VERY happy to watch the snow fall, to listen to the silence the snow brings, to see it sparkle and glisten in the sunlight.

My car. I drive a Mini. I love my car. I really do. It's fun and sporty and zips all over the place. I really love my car.

My car. Snow. This is a troubled relationship. My car is fine with plowed roads and unplowed roads with a couple of inches of snow. What my car cannot do is get through the 12 inches the snow plow left in my driveway.  Which is totally fine, I am fully capable of shoveling out the left over gunk, I am WAY thankful to live on a street that gets plowed. While it is a pain to shovel, it also is pretty awesome, because it means I can pull my car in and out with ease.

Before I move forward on today's adventures of the Mini vs the Snow, let me give you a little back story. A couple weeks ago, was the first time I got stuck this winter.  I had been in Spokane for a late morning appointment, the roads were awesome and the snow kinda slushy, but maneuverable. Because I was getting to work so late, I decided to park on the street near my building.

I pulled in and a little voice said, "This isn't going to work, you should really park somewhere else." Did I listen? Um, no. I didn't, but you probably figured this out, since I already told you that I got stuck.

Side note: LISTEN TO YOUR OWN WISDOM!  Really, it will help you not get stuck.

So, anywho, I park my car and go into work. I do the work thing and come out a little before 5:00 and hop in my car. I notice no one is park in front of me, but someone had parked behind. Bummer. I start it up, start to go and almost get out of the spot.  Almost. I worked it, I went forward, I went back, I rocked it, I rolled it. I got stuck. I needed a push.

As I was surveying my predicament, someone pulled in and headed to their apartment. The first thing out of my mouth was, "Do you have a shovel I could use?" Not hey, can you give me a push, can you help?  Nope, do you have a shovel. Thankfully, he did. He gingerly walked it out to me and scurried back in the house. My first thought was, "Wow, thanks for the help dude, you could have at least waited to see if I needed a push.... man what a jerk."

I was getting a little frustrated, there was somewhere I needed to be at 6:00 in Spokane and I knew the roads were not awesome and I wanted to take my time. (For those of you who don't know the geography of Eastern Washington, Spokane and Cheney are about 30 minutes apart on clear roads)

I started to shovel and as I did, I looked up and saw the make and model of the car behind me. It was the same as a friend's car. This particular friend has a was of gently challenging me to not get stuck in repetitive thought patterns. You know the ones, where you start getting all frustrated that the college kid, who let you borrow his shovel, when he didn't need to, wouldn't stay outside and help you, so you start blaming the fact that you are stuck on someone else not helping you?!?  Then you get all mad and frustrated and start tossing the snow right behind you, not noticing that you are just piling it up in front of your car.....

Seeing her car (wasn't her actual car) made me stop, harrumph at the universe, and get curious about why I was getting all bent out of shape over being stuck. Of course, as you probably well know, it had absolutely nothing to do with actually getting stuck in the snow and everything to do with being stuck in my thinking. Once I made that connection, the shoveling went by quickly, I cleared a path and zipped on out of Cheney and made it to the meeting by 6:00. I am going to come back to why I am telling you this back story in a moment.

Now, on to today's snow adventures. Harrumph. Again, I found myself not listening to the little voice of wisdom in my head.  Again, my wonderful friends..... LISTEN TO THAT VOICE!

I live on a street that gets plowed, which I am totally grateful for and love that I don't have to worry about my car getting stuck. As I was approaching my house, I noticed that quite a few driveways were totally plowed in and figured mine would be as well, I thought I could probably drive through it and park, then shovel..... not so much.

When I pulled up, the plows had left a 12 inch wall of ice and road debris. There was no way my car was getting through that wall. So, instead of listening to the little voice and parking awkwardly in front of my driveway for a spell, while I shoveled out, I decided to go around the block. Did I mention that we have had a ton of snow?  And I drive a Mini Cooper? Yeah, Spokane's side streets after a great deal of snow.... not the best choice for a Mini Cooper. I got stuck the first time when I turned off the plowed street. Thankfully a couple of guys were out shoveling and gave me a push and got me going.  Then I tried to turn again and bam. Stuck again. This time, I tried rocking and going back and forth, but the only thing that did was create a nice little patch of ice for my tires to spin on. I was stuck, stuck.

I asked a couple of kids if I could borrow a shovel and tried to get myself out that way as well. I was stuck. I started getting frustrated again. My mind started spinning just as quickly as my tires. There was no one to help me, I couldn't help myself, so I posted a frustrated post on Facebook and called a friend, who lives nearby. She said she would be right over. In the mean time, I sat there, until someone needed to turn down that street and asked if I needed help. When I said yes, like magic, four or five people just appeared and just like that I was moving again. I managed to keep moving until I got all the way around the block and could awkwardly park in front on my house.

I was really frustrated with myself for not listening to myself, I was frustrated that I got myself stuck again, I was frustrated that I had to shovel a ton of icy crappy snow. All I wanted to do was go inside and take a shot, drink a beer, and feel sorry for myself.

As all of this was running through my head, I realized that I hadn't posted that I wasn't stuck anymore. So I posted a simple phrase to my Facebook page. I said, "I'm unstuck." I hit post and stood there in awe at the truth in those words. Without really thinking about it, I had unstuck myself again. I was no longer frustrated and wanting to drown my frustrations in drinks, I had unstuck my thought spiral. I laughed, a deep belly laugh and kept on shoveling. Eventually, I was able to get my car into the driveway and went inside and sat down to write this post.

I share both of these stories, because they each serve as a way to illustrate how we can get unstuck. In the first situation, I wanted someone to come along and save me, I got myself into a situation and I wanted someone else to get me out. I did ask for help, but wasn't given the help that I wanted and you know what?  I actually got exactly what I had asked for, I had asked for a shovel, that was what was provided. I had wanted something else, but I hadn't asked for a what I wanted, so I used what I was given to get myself out of the situation.

Sometimes we get ourselves into situations in life, where we want someone to save us, not just help us, but save us. We don't see ourselves as capable enough to do it on our own. We ask for help, but we don't actually ask for what we want. Maybe because we don't feel like we deserve the help, maybe because we are afraid no help will be given, there are a myriad of reasons we don't ask. Or we ask for a shovel, when we really want a push. In those situations, take what you have been given and make it work. I dug myself out that night and in the process, showed myself that I can dig myself out of my own negativity spiral.

Today, I found myself stuck again. I did everything I could not not be stuck, I asked for the help that I needed, and was given that first push. Then I got stuck again. The road was too much for the vehicle I was driving. Sometimes the roads we walk are too much for us. It happens.  We don't ask for the too much, we don't ask for the illness, or the death of a family member, or the loss of a job, or the major life change that comes to us. It happens. We ask for help, we get going again. We get stuck again. You do everything you can on your own to get moving again and nothing works. You are stuck. There is no going forward, there is no going back. You are there, stuck and it sucks.

So you call a friend, who comes to your aid. And then, in that act of asking, the help you need descends upon you from everywhere. My dear and wonderful friends. If you find yourself stuck, please, please, please, ask for help. Help will always be given at Hogwarts for those who ask for it. Oh wait, sorry, for the HP reference. Actually, not sorry, because it is true. When you need help and you ask, the universe will conspire in your favor to bring you what you need.

Sometimes it will be a shovel so you can dig yourself out, other times it will be a small army there to push your car out of the rut and get you moving again.

Peace to all of you who feel stuck. If there is anything I can do, let me know, I would love to help get you moving again.

Outpouring of LOVE!

Hello!

I love you.

You.

The person reading these words right now.

I.
Love.
You.

You are an amazing being, who deserves all the love in the world. It matters not to me, who you think yourself to be.  You are worthy of love. I hope you are able to feel and hold that truth for yourself.

Oh!  Oh! OH! My dear and wonderful friends. We are surrounded by so much dis-ease and soul-crushing energies in our world.  I know many of you struggle with life, in one way or another.  It is so easy to get pulled down, to let negativity take hold, and to lash out at others when we are hurting. That is one of the reasons I started the Outpouring.

What is the Outpouring?

Before I get to what, let me start with how it came to be. Last week I was sick. I picked up the flu, I work with college students, so it was bound to happen. There's a rule at work, not coming in until you have been fever free for 24 hours. So, when I woke up fever free and feeling better, I still couldn't go to work.  So, I had a life changing day instead. I'm not going to go into details, that's not what this post is about, but I will say this much, never turn down and opportunity to open up. Change and wonder can come from anywhere.

The energy of that day was expansive. I was reminded by so many of my wonderful friends that I was loved and why I was loved. My heart just burst with joy and gratitude.

As I was trying to fall asleep that night, I just could not do it. My poor, still recovering body, needed the rest, so I stayed in bed. But I wanted to jump up, get on the computer and start writing on the wall of every single one of my friends, telling each one why I love them.

It was so wonderful to finally fall asleep, wrapped in that cocoon of love and light. In the morning I emerged viewing the world just a little bit differently.

I started pondering how I could actually write on everyone's walls and really I had to ask if I wanted to send love to everyone. You see. While I love everyone and everyone deserves love.  I can get in my own way when it comes to loving them. Maybe they say things I don't like, maybe they have said or done things to me that I don't like. Does that diminish their worthiness of being loved?  No.  It does not. Every being on this planet, no matter how I may feel about them, is deserving of an Outpouring of love.

Not a conditional love, that says, you do this or be this, then you are deserving of love. As soon as I say that I am placing my expectations on them, for who they should be or how they should act in order to receive love from me. I am placing conditions.

Love.
The energy of LOVE.
That energy carries no conditions.
That is the love that I am tapping into for this project.

Back to Outpouring.  Next to me on my desk, I have a bowl made by a wonderful being.  In that bowl I have placed the names and faces of every one of my Facebook friends. Now. I know I have friends who are not on FB, I'll be including them as well and get the messages to them offline. And if I add any friends while I working on this project, they will for sure go in the bowl as well!

Each day, from today until... well, until the bowl runs dry, I am going to draw a name, or two, or four, or six.  It will really depend on the day and how much time I have. I don't want to rush this, I want to extend care to each person I draw. Hold their name, remember them, how we met, why we became friends, and what I love about them.

I am planning on using a hashtag so that everyone can read what I write each day, if you so desire. The hashtag is #ktoutpouring  I checked it out on FB and it is unique to this project.

So my friends, I am off to draw the first name and get this Outpouring of Love rolling!

Blessings on each of you!

Perspective

I'm sitting on the ridge, feeling the last warmth of the day on my face. Watching a gentle, ever so slight breeze dancing through the tall grasses and changing leaves. 

Green turns to yellow, turns to brown. Flowers dry and seeds fall to the ground. Hoping for wind to cover them with soil while they wait for spring. Spring, the chance at life, a time for growth. 

But it is not spring. It is autumn. It is fall. When life starts to fade in beautiful bursts  of color. A last gasp of joy before the cold barren winter. 

Days grow short. We turn inward. 

Resting. 

Breathing. 

Renewing. 

Allowing the rhythm of life to restore us. Feed us. Comfort us. Prepare us for another season of growth. 

How we rest, how we renew. That is up to us. We can charge head long into a season meant for resting, drain our energy, going against the call of time. We were meant to go with the flow of time. Not against it, not squeezing every previous minute dry of its vitality.

Each moment. 

Each breath. 

That is where life is. Not in the moment before and not in the moment to come.

In this moment. 

See. 

Feel.

Hear.

Know. 

This moment. 

The sun is setting. 

Open to the magic of the moment. 

Vulnerability

I have a new friend.  

It feels like...

It feels like that childhood friendship...

You know the one...

That friend you meet on the playground...

The kid you've known forever...

But all of a sudden they look like a whole new person to you...

And you feel like you just met the bestest person in the 

Whole. 

Wide. 

World!

You want to tell all your secrets... 

Tell them about the boys, or girls, you like.

Tell them what you had for dinner last night.

You smile SO big when you see them.

And when you are a part...

It feels like something is missing.

As Anne Shirley would say, "We are kindred spirits."

This person is not new in my life.

I have known them for years.

The edge of knowing.

When we met, I was smitten.

I wanted to know them.

But...

Insecurity won.

Why would someone SO cool..

So amazing..

So talented...

So...

So...

So...

Someone so awesome...

Want to be my friend.

But an email...

A point of connection...

Changed.

It.

All.

She was in the mass of people that we invited to our wedding.

The RSVP...

The email...

It made my heart leap...

I read the words...

My heart...

She wanted to come to the wedding...

And she wanted to hang out with us...

If this all sounds very junior high crush,

Well...

That's kinda how I felt at the time.

I kinda had a crush on her.

Always had. 

Always will.

The wounds of childhood die hard.

I always felt different.

Out of place.

I had friends.

Still have many of my childhood friends.

Connection and disconnection.

Friended 

And Friendless.

Insecurity.

As I have emerged,

Grown, 

Sought connection, 

I have felt like one of the 'cool kids'

A person that people look up to,

Admire,

Emulate,

But at the heart of it all,

Insecurity.

I felt like a fake and a fraud.

Felt like... 

If people really knew me.

They would run. 

Hide.

The truth...

Oh Truth...

Truth would never set me free.

Never.

I even held back with my partner.

My lover.

My best friend.

My everything.

How do you live with someone for 11 years 

11 years...

And not share your whole life with them?

Insecurity.

Back to my new friend. 

A key in all of this.

A key to my current emergence.

I have processed my past.

I have talked until blue in the face.

Sometimes heard.

Sometimes unheard.

Voice and voiceless.

Silenced. 

A second email.

An invitation to unburden myself.

To write without judgement.

To be heard.

To be seen.

To be known.

The beginning of my voice.

Wait, wait, wait you say...

What about your blog, 

Your story, 

You found your voice long ago, 

How do you feel so silenced when you share so freely?

Yes. I share.

I control what I share.

I share what I have processed.

What I have talked about until blue in the face.

Until it was polished

And the words flowed easy.

This invitation.

This invitation said, unburden myself.

A flood of words on a page.

Flooding

Flowing out of me like a torrent.

Everything...

EVERYTHING...

Connections.

Powerful connections to past events

Threads of continuity

A processing of connection.

Of commonality.

A forging of a fast friendship.

So much.

So fast.

So, so fast.

So fast that I grew nervous.

What if said too much, 

What if she doesn't like what she reads,

What if 

What if

What if

Insecurity

Vulnerability

Myself laid bare

As I wrote my story

As I shared my life

I opened to my partner

Emergence.

Connection.

Embrace.

Acceptance.

Vulnerability.

Deeper love.

My partner.

My love.

We have shared more...

Emotional

Spiritual

Physical

In the last 3 months

Then in 11 years...

3 months of change

3 months of growth...

3 months...

My birthday became my 

Birth

Day.

A new life

New emergence

A new way of seeing myself 

Was born

I found my voice.

Out of a place of vulnerability

From a place of deep insecurity

I found my voice

I found my truth

I found connection to all that is around me

A life once fraught with anxiety

A life lived in fear.

Holding back

Afraid of true connection.

I fear no longer.

I spoke my truth.

It was heard.

I was seen.

And I am loved.

I have a new friend.

And it feels...

It feels...

It feels like home. 

Nothing Neutral

Click here for the spoken word version

There is nothing neutral about my gender.

Choosing to live into the YES!
Of gender.
The FULLNESS of gender.
Of life.

There is nothing neutral about that experience.

The boxes we check are labeled:
Gender:
___ Male.
___ Female.
__________

Fill in the blank.  Like the blank is neutral.
The blank is other.

There is nothing neutral about my gender.

My expression does not fit a box.
My body does not fit a box.

That does not make me neutral.

Neutral:
adjective:
           1. not helping or supporting either side in a conflict, disagreement, etc.;impartial
           2. having no strongly marked or positive characteristics or features.
               synonyms: inoffensive, bland, unobjectionable, unremarkable, ordinary, commonplace

I am transgender.

Some view my very existence as offensive.
They object to my self-expression.

Object. Ob...ject...
I become an object.
Something to fear.
People fear the other.
They fear what cannot be contained.
What they cannot control.
It is easy to fear what is not seen as human.
Object.

So they remark.
Re...Mark.
Re...Brand.
Remake me into what they want me to be
Remind me that I am not ordinary.

There is nothing neutral about my gender.

I identify across gender.
Through gender.
Male.
Female.
Other.

Female. Other. Male.

Other.... Male.... Female....

Other....

I despise the word 'other'.
But English lacks the language for me adequately express my gender.

I am not other.

When someone asks about my gender...
I say...
I say...
I hesitate...what is my gender?
I am Mo, but I am also more than Mo.
I am male.
I am female.
I am masculine.
I am feminine.
I am.

I have struggled with the integration of the various parts of myself.

I see fractured pieces of myself, of my expressions of gender.
My body is female, but very masculine.
I have a 'big build.'
Whatever that means.
I take up space.  I grow facial hair.

Lots of facial hair.

So much of my spirit is feminine.
I have a strong attachment to an identity of woman.

Attachment but not always connection.

Sometimes I feel like a whoaman.  Whoa Man. Woe man.

That's the reaction I often receive in female only spaces.
Whoa.  Man!
Man?
are you a man? they ask with their eyes.
rarely do they speak the words.
I read body language.
The stares. The anger. The pity. The confusion. The longing.

Yes.  Occasionally I see longing in their eyes.
In me they glimpse a freedom.
A freedom to be something other than what they see around them.

I have those points longing in my life.
As I emerge from one way of knowing into another.
When I acknowledge my difference.
I seek those moments of connection with others.
Others like me.

My difference.
A strong masculine presence, mixed with the subtle feminine.
The female body, with patches of hair that don't belong.
Side burns. Soul patch.  Back hair.

Well intentioned people ask...

Have you ever tried electrolysis...
Laser Hair removal is amazing...

I hear... in those words...

Remove...
Conform...
Be something different...

Conform. Con. Form. Con.
Con. Fake.

Conformity leaves me feeling empty.
Less than.
Never quite right.

I hate conformity.

But what option does that leave me?

Self expression. Yes.
Uniqueness.  Yes.
Struggle. Yes
Dissonance. Yes.

So much dissonance, as I emerge out of conformity.

There is something so right about it all and something so wrong.
Right in the feeling of wholeness.
Right in the feeling of connectedness.
Right in the integration of self.

WRONG!

Wrong because I live in a world does not understand me.
Wrong because I live in a world based in fear and not love.
Fear that lashes out at people who do not conform.
To PEOPLE like me.

Me.

This is about me.
This is about my emergence.
This is about my seeking freedom and wholeness.

This. Is. Me.

There is nothing neutral about my gender.

Feel Free to Say Whatever You Want

So. I was going to stay quiet.  I was going to let this one pass. I don't need to comment every time someone says something homophobic.  I would never stop talking if I went by that policy.  But I can't stay quiet on this one.  I just can't.  Anytime some talks about homosexuality and bestiality in the same sentence it angers me.  And when I look through my Facebook page and see friends supporting a person who links the two, it makes me sad.  I can understand standing beside him if it was "simply" that he believed homosexuality was a sin.  I get that.  But when you agree with someone who sees no difference or believes that being gay will lead to acceptance of bestiality that hurts.

I support Phil Robertson's freedom to believe or say anything he wants.  He can stand on a street corner and shout that homosexuality is a sin...oh wait that's Fred Phelps.  I don't really care that he thinks that homosexuality is a sin.  I have plenty of people in my life that probably think that as well, but we are able to maintain a friendship just fine.  We can agree to disagree.  For me it is not worth arguing about what god thinks about my relationship with Aimee or my orientation, because, honestly...none of us can know what god thinks.

It makes me frustrated that people think that Phil's Freedom of Speech have been violated for saying what he believes in an interview and then being put on hiatus by his employer.  The First Amendment gives you the right to say what you want and the government cannot come in and censor or try and block your right to say those things.  It does not exempt you from the consequences of your speech in the eyes of your employer or the public.  He is not being thrown in jail for saying those things, that would be a violation of his freedom of speech.  A&E's decision to suspend him is well within their right to do so, as the company who produces his show.

I, as a member of the LGBT community, glad they took that step.  Far too often companies let anti-LGBT bias slide for the sake of a market share or profit.  Or even worse companies inject anti-LGBT humor into shows to get a laugh, to make fun of my community.  So for once.  I am glad a company didn't let it go, that they brought attention to it and said that they support the LGBT community.  They recognized the impact that his words would have and made a move to do something.  I applaud them.

Riding Lessons

I had to pause and take a photo...I was in awe.

I rode my new, amazing, fabulous, incredible, awesome bike to work today and I struggled through the first 12.5 miles of the ride.  I couldn't find a rhythm, I couldn't seem to get any power out of my legs, I couldn't figure it out.  I went back and forth through the gears trying to find something that worked.  I kept coming up short. As I approached the mile long hill, I knew that I need to shift off of the big chain ring in the front to the smaller one, so it would be a little "easier" getting up the hill.  I shifted.  My chain didn't drop down to the smaller ring, it popped up onto the larger ring. I was still on a flat section and all of a sudden I had power, I had speed, and I realized why I was having so many issues on the ride. I had been riding with the wrong chain ring the whole time.  I quickly switched again to the lower ring and started up the hill.  I rode what I could and walked when I needed.  It is steep in sections and my legs were feeling super tired. As I got to the top of the hill, I switched back to the large ring, rounded the corner toward campus, and took off down the road. It. Felt. Awesome. I finished my 14.7 mile ride and I was pretty darn proud of myself.  

But this post really isn't about the ride.  It is what I learned after the ride.  I have not posted much about my health journey for a while.  Mainly because I have not really wanted to post that things have not been going all that well.  I have been riding in the wrong chain ring.  I have not been able to find my power or my rhythm when it comes to food and exercise.  But that doesn't mean my journey was not moving forward.  My focus has been elsewhere.  This morning on my ride, I found myself in awe of the fog on the fields, the colors of the sun through the clouds as it burst out from behind the foothills, the ice crystals forming on my gloves and jacket.  All of these things held my attention while I struggled to find my rhythm on the bike.  I was still moving forward, I was still moving towards my destination.  

As I took my focus off my health journey my attention has been fixed on various other points.  I have been spending a fair amount of time doing some deep internal work.  It has been vitally important for me to focus on that work and I am in a better place because I made that my focus.  But as my focus shifted to that work I struggled with workouts and making healthy food choices.  My weight has gone back up, my fitness levels have gone down.  I have be out of rhythm and lacking power.  By no means do I think I have failed in my journey, I am still moving forward, but I need to pause for a split second, check my chain ring, and make sure it is in the right place for the path that I am on.  

If I had paused this morning at mile 2, at mile 3, at mile 7, to check the chain ring, I would have had a smoother ride AND still experienced all of the things that held my attention.  The beauty would not have been lost because I was moving at a faster speed, or with more power.  If anything the beauty would have been enhanced because I was not struggling against the gears, with my attention divided between my aching legs and the wonder that surrounded me. 

I know that when I am riding down the path with health as my focus, things fall into place a lot quicker. I am more in tune with my surrounds and myself. I want that in my life again. I need that in my life again.  So today I choose to check my chain ring. I choose to refocus on what it means for me to be healthy.  I choose to not struggle against the wrong gear anymore.  I am proud of myself for the things I have pushed through and the time I have spent in the wrong gear, because I never quit.  I didn't stop moving forward.  I am still on the path, but now I'm in the right gear.  

Are you riding in the wrong chain ring for your current path?  If so, choose to check it.  Listen to what you need to make the change.  Find the right gear and enjoy the ride.  You don't need to struggle.  

What today means to me

Our Wedding Day August 7, 2010

 Today is a good day.  A historic day.  I woke up with knots in my stomach, knowing that within minutes there would be an announcement that would directly impact my life, for good or bad.  I will hold on to the memory of seeing that a provision of DOMA had been struck down.  I just stared at my phone, in semi-disbelief, history had been made and I was on the right side of it, the winning side.

Was it a perfect victory? No.  My friends in states that have anti-marriage equality written into their constitutions are still not equal.  Even if they have a marriage license from another state, they will not receive all the benefits of federally recognized marriage.  There is much to be sorted out and another round of legal battles to be fought in order for true marriage equality to rule in this great nation.  But today is a day for celebration. We need days like this to laugh, to cry happy tears, to dance in the streets, and to feel like we are a part of something bigger than ourselves.

We need days like this, because sometimes the weight of being LGBT in our culture can be heavy.  Even with incredible people around me, it is hard to not internalize the anti-LGBT crap that is so pervasive. Leading up to and after big decisions such as this I tend to avoid the media, in all forms. (With the exception of social media, I can just block you if you piss me off.) People say the craziest shit about LGBT people in times like this, and for the record, marriage equality will not lead to polygamy, or marrying underage people, or marrying goats or dogs or horses or whatever animal the talking head wants to spout off about.  I try to laugh when I hear things like this, because if I don't it just pisses me off to no end.  And I can't live in a state of constant anger, it just isn't healthy.  But even though I laugh when I hear those things, it is a reminder to me that there are people who view me as other, as less than, as second class.  That hurts.  That is hard to not internalize.

But today my love for Aimee was recognized as equal.  To know that (once we sign the papers) our marriage is equal in the eyes of the law is incredible.  I am tearing up just thinking about it.  So what does to today mean to me?  It means that I feel like I am fully a part of this country.  It means that we are taking steps as a nation to right wrongs.  Yes.  We have more work ahead of us.  And there are more pressing issues for LGBT people than marriage, access to education, homelessness, job security, trans inclusive health care, anti discrimination work, and on and on and on.  There are still people being beaten and killed for having the audacity to live into their fullness and awesomeness, people who refuse to crawl into a hole and deny an essential part of who they are. So we must continue to change hearts and minds, to change laws, and most importantly, live into our fullness and awesomeness.  Today a weight fell off my shoulders, today the world changed for the better, today is a good day.

Divine Timing...AKA My Texas Adventure

Powerful. Wonderful. Transformational. Empowering. And of course...awesome. These words all touch on my incredible trip to Texas. I'm sitting here in the airplane trying to capture the spirit of this adventure. I am calling upon the universe to help me find the words, to help me to write about the shift that is taking place in my life.

I came to Texas to have fun, get tons of long over due hugs, and to meet fabulous people who have made deep and last impressions on my life. I leave Texas with all of that and more. I will say right up front, I was in a not great place when I arrived in Texas. I had been hiding food, binging, and letting the chaos in my mind take control of my life. My weight, while not the end all be all, had been going up, I was feeling big, bloated, and heavy. I was not feeling like the super Mo that had been so full of life and so ready to take on the world. Little did I know, that I would find super Mo again and find a deeper awesome than I have ever known. That's pretty amazing for a week long trip!

When I arrived in Texas I made the choice to be open, to not shut myself down in uneasy situations, and to try and go with the flow. That choice left me open to incredible conversations and incredible insights. Each person I met with, each discussion and interaction moved me forward and allowed my heart to open more.

It all started with a sunny afternoon meditation break in Maggie's backyard. As we laid there meditating, I felt a calm and a peace come over me. I was ready to let go, to let myself be vulnerable and to allow transformation to enter my life. In that moment I knew I would not be the same. I had no idea how my life would change, but I knew that I was ready. That night we went to a spring equinox meditation. It was there that I met Lori. At the time I had a feeling that I would see her again, but brushed it off. I was only in Texas for a week, why would I see her again? Ha! I need to trust my gut! When it says someone will be in my life again, I need to trust it. We did meet again and she helped to open me to a whole new level of understanding! But more on that in a moment.

I left the meditation feeling at peace, ready to open to the messages that would come to me during the rest of the trip. I also left with a distinct impression that I needed to start asking for help and to not wait until I was at the end of my rope. (It's a habit I am trying to break!) As I was driving to Austin I was caught up in a traffic backup and had a good 30 minutes to sit, drive REALLY slow, and think. I asked the universe what I needed, where did I need help and to guide me to the right people. The message that came back to me told me to stay open and to send Maggie a text. I am so glad I did both!

While I was in Austin each person had a message for me, whether they knew it or not. I was nervous going into ETB Boot Camp. Nervous about the workout, but also nervous about meeting so many members of my ETB family. I had met these ladies online, where I am not afraid to be open and honest about who I am. I had a fear that they would see me and reject me. I know, it sounds crazy, but that what was going through me head. I felt nothing but love! Each smile, each hug, gave me and energy boost and filled my heart. I am so honored to be a part of the ETB family.

Meeting Kim was incredible, beyond awesome, and our conversation was full of messages for me. She seems like a hard ass, but she has a heart of gold. I felt nothing but love and care from her and I am truly blessed to be able to call her a friend. During our conversation I realized that I thought I had run into a brick wall and didn't know how to get over it. It reality, I had backed myself up against the wall and was using it as a support system. I was afraid to step away, to dream big, to be big, to be me. I will not live my life tucked up against that wall anymore. There is the possibility that I may fall on my face, but at least I will be living and not hiding. Our conversation rekindled my desire to get fit, to love myself through how I treat my body, and to be willing to step up and step out into this good life. I have much to share with the world.

My lunch with Christy confirmed much of the message that I had heard from Kim and opened me to the wonder that is the city of Austin. She drove me around, showing me the sights, and with each stop, I fell deeper in love with the city. As we parted I knew that I would be seeing her again, not on this trip, but soon. I left feeling like we have much to share with one another and we would have the opportunity to grow our friendship.

Dinner with my IIN study buddy Kim was equally as powerful. For years various people have told me that I need to write a book. I have always brushed them off, who am I to write a book? What do I have to say? Sure I blog, but a book? Yeah, right! Earlier in the week during the meditation in the sun the idea of writing a book had come up again, this time I didn't shut it down, I remained open to the possibility. Well, during our dinner conversation, my mouth flew open and out came the premise of my book. As I was talking my heart was doing backflips of happiness, I had a confirmation of what had been opened up earlier in the week. I also had a fabulous dinner with an awesome friend!

Breakfast the next morning with Jennifer was so rad! It reminded me that years may pass, but you can always pick up where you left off with a friendship. We hadn't seen each other since high school graduation and conversation just flowed. And again, I felt at home and at peace in Austin. As I drove away from the city, I knew I would be back. I knew that Aimee and I would live there sometime in the future. Yes, it is a long way from family, but I felt so at home there. I left a piece of my heart in Austin. I will be back and it will be awesome!

My adventuring took me to Houston next and to lunch with my little sister, Amanda Cooke. I lived with the Cooke family when I lived in Egypt. They were a family on the move, full of life and energy. They helped me to come out of my shell and be a little more outgoing. It was fabulous to see Amanda and I still can't believe that she is in med school! She will be an amazing doctor. During our conversation she asked about my time in Egypt, she had read my blog posts and wondered if I was glad that I spent the year there. The question caught me a little off guard and made me think. And yes. I am thankful for my experiences, good and bad, in Egypt. It was painful and hard at times, but without that experience I would not be the person that I am. I would not be in the place I am today. I needed that experience to bring me into the full knowledge that I am who I am, just as I am, and I am who God intended me to be.

After Houston I head north to College Station and another of my Egypt "kids". Yes I know y'all are not kids any more, but to me you are, even if you have husbands, wives, partners and kids of your own. I still think back on that year and smile at the amazing amount of laughter and awesome that I shared with you all. Seeing Suzy was awesome. Her apartment was full of energy and good conversation. My heart was glad to see the smile on her face and light in her eyes. She and I have had similar paths and to see her well and full of life brought me joy.

The next morning I headed back to Mansfield. The text I had sent Maggie on my way to Austin, brought Lori and I back together again. Lori is a Reiki master. Maggie and I had been talking about Reiki before I left for Austin and on the way down I got the distinct message that I needed to see if Lori had time to do an attunement for me when I returned to Mansfield. Reiki is something that had been on the periphery of my life in different ways and had been coming up more and more often in my life. I had worked with energies before in counseling to help open up deep hurts and work through them to find healing and let them go. So when I got the message to be attuned, I was nervous, but I knew that it was the right step for me. I don't have the words yet to describe what I experienced with Lori. I am so excited about the possibilities of the future. The incredible opportunities that lie ahead for me. And the incredible insights that are opening up in my life. I walked away from the encounter profoundly moved and changed.

So I sit here, heading home to my love, feeling like I left home in Texas. It was the people, it was the experiences, it was the divine timing. When we allow ourselves to open up to the incredible possibility of life, we will be blown away by the awesomeness that comes our way. My friends, open yourselves to the awesome possibilities in life. Don't close yourselves off, don't live in fear, be the wonderful people that you are, in all your awesomeness.

Letting go

I live in a state of constant monitor and control. I am always reading my environment. Is it safe seems to be the question I ask the most often. What does safety mean to me? Can I ever truly be safe? For me the answer is no. If I choose to live an open honest life, if I choose as I have, to truly live into the awesomeness of me, it means putting myself in to a space of vulnerability. And that my friends is a scary place to be. To be vulnerable means to be open for whatever may come my way, good or bad. It involves risk, but also contains great reward. To be vulnerable, to be open, is to live with your whole heart. I want to live with my whole heart. I want to be centered in who I am and I want to let my light shine.

I have been hiding my light. I have been withdrawing and closing myself off to the world around me. I am ready to release the need to hide. Does it mean I will never try and hid myself away again? Does it mean I will always be completely open with no hesitation? No. Those are hard habits to break, it is how I learned to survive, they helped to get to this point in my story. But it is time to let go of that hesitation and let myself be. I am excited about the possibility that lies in the letting go.

What is holding you back from an open life, from your whole self? Honor yourself, ask the question, live into the wholeness and amazing you.

I leave you with a quote I shared a couple of weeks ago, I carry it in my wallet as a reminder to myself to be my whole self,

"The world needs your light, it needs your story. It needs you with all your bumps and bruises. You don't need to be perfect, you just need to be you. That is all you can be."

Be you. It is the greatest gift you can share with the world!

Cooking From the Hip

My favorite show on the Food Network is 'Chopped'. In the first round, four chefs have a basket of mystery ingredients and 20 minutes to cook a fabulous first course from ingredients that, at best, are a little odd and, at worst, are completely wrong together.  Each round has a losing chef that is "chopped," leaving the others to move onto the next round with a new mystery basket, until one chef remains as the 'Chopped Champion'. Chopped is cooking from the hip at its finest.  It is saying, "This is what I have, let's go with it." I love watching as they stare blankly at the basket, waiting for inspiration to strike, then bolting to the pantry, grabbing herbs or butter or bread, chopping, slicing, frying, baking, all in the name of love.  Watching people who love what they do inspires me.  

When I'm in the kitchen I cook from the hip.  I use recipes when I am exploring a new style of cooking.  I fell in love with curries a couple of years ago.  I used recipes until I had a firm enough grasp on the way to cook a good curry, then started experimenting on my own.  Changing and twisting and making food my way. I love to go to the fridge, pull out whatever happens to be in there, and cook it into a wonderful meal.  It is my own version of Chopped. (Without the stress of time or elimination.) 

I am not going to give you an exact recipe for what I made tonight.  I don't measure quantities of ingredients, I go with what I have, I cook from the hip.  Aimee keeps telling me that not everyone knows how to cook like this, but I didn't always either.  I think it is something that you can learn to do, if you let go and trust the process, learn a few simple cooking techniques, remember what tastes good together, and go with you gut.  So let me walk you through my process tonight and you can start adventuring with food too!

We ate the rainbow for dinner!

 Step 1: Gather your ingredients!  We had a ton of leftover veg from last week, so I pulled most of it out and chopped it up.
From the top left of the cutting board (clockwise):
- 1.5 Yellow Onions - chopped
- Stems of 6 Baby Bella Mushrooms - diced
- 5-7 Garlic Cloves - peeled
- 3-4 Celery Stalks - cut at an angle (Fancy, I know)
- 2 Carrots - cut on an angle
- 6 Baby Bella Mushrooms - sliced
- 1 Red Bell Pepper - Diced
- Half head Red Cabbage - sliced
After I cut it all up, I stared at it for a few minutes wondering what direction to take with the flavors.  This mixture is a good base for a number of cuisines.  You may not have all of these things in your fridge, but a mixture of carrot, celery, and onion is a great basic base as well.  I wasn't sure what to do so I went to my pantry, I needed something to tie it all together.  We had a bottle of Curry Simmer Sauce from Trader Joe's.  I knew with a pile of veg like that I would need to extend the sauce a little so I grabbed the veggie broth I had in the fridge.  I went back to the pantry and grabbed the red lentils, chickpeas, and coconut oil.  I try to prep everything first, then start cooking.  Sometimes I will chop as I go, but I find the more prep the better.

When my favorite pan was hot and the coconut oil (about 1.5 T) was nice and melty, I tossed in the onion and cooked it until soft and some of the onions had started to brown.  I didn't brown them all, just some.  I used my garlic press on 4 of the cloves and pressed them directly into the onions.  I stirred until they were fragrant.  Garlic burns easily so you don't want to let it stay on the heat for a long period of time.  

When you start to smell the wonderful garlic it is time to toss in the rest of the veg. I let this bunch cook a little while, 3-5 minutes, I think. (Did I mention I don't do precision cooking?) I made sure it was all mixed together well and heated through.

I added the broth, curry simmer sauce, lentils, and chickpeas.  (Our chickpeas had been cooked once and dehydrated to cut the cooking time, so if you want to try and follow this meal, you may opt for a can or precook dried chickpeas.)  I stirred it all together, added some salt, and brought it to a boil.  Then simmered for about 30 minutes to make sure the lentils and the chickpeas were cooked through.   

I tasted after the simmering was done and I found it to be missing a layer of depth and a tad too sweet.  I went back to the fridge and grabbed a couple of handfuls of baby kale and two small limes. I stirred it all together and let the kale cook down.  I added kale because it has a slight bitterness to it, but not crazy bitter.  The limes added a hit of acid that created a nice flavor profile.  

Almost ready for the bowl!! While I cooked a quick batch of rice, I let it cook down a little longer. 

I cooked up the mushrooms in their own special way.  I added about a tablespoon of coconut oil and a spoonful of bacon grease to the pan. When it was all good and ready, I added 2 minced garlic cloves and my pile o'mushrooms and turned them over in the pan to make sure they were all coated.  Then I just let them cook down, stirring occasionally.  

When they got to this point (I don't know how long) I grabbed my curry powder from Market Spice and tossed about 2 t onto the 'shrooms.  I stirred it all together, tasted, added salt and the juice from half a lime.  I let them continue to cook a little longer, then turned the burner down to keep them warm.  

When the rice was done, I put a small amount (maybe half a cup) into the bottom of the bowl, spooned a generous helping of the veggie curry topped with fresh cilantro, and then the mushrooms on top.  Delicious, nutritious, easy, and awesome.  They way I like to cook!

If you don't trust yourself in the kitchen, start with recipes, build your skills, then trust your instincts.  Most importantly, have fun!  Cooking doesn't have to be a chore.  If you need ideas or have questions, let me know and I will help you along your way!

Chili!!

CHILI!!!

I love making chili and I almost never follow the same recipe.  But this one was good enough to write down so I thought I would share it with you!  It came together quite quickly and was delightful!  Feel free to tweak it as you see fit.  But give it a go...you won't regret it.




Olive Oil, Bacon Fat, or Butter
1 Lbs Ground Turkey
1 Medium Onion Chopped
1 Green Bell Pepper Chopped
3 Cloves Garlic minced
2 Small Zucchini - Big Chop
5-6 Mushrooms - Halved then chopped
1 Small Can Tomato Paste
1 Can Diced Tomatoes
1 Small Can Rotel Tomato Sauce
1 tsp ground Oregano
2 tsp Cumin
1 tsp Hot Chili Powder
.5 Tbls New Mexico Chili Powder
2 Tbls Mild Chili Powder
1 Can Kidney Beans - Rinsed
1 Can Black Beans - Rinsed
4 Cups Beef Stock

In a small dish measure out the spices and set aside.  I used bacon fat to add a smokey flavor, but you can use whatever oil you would like.  Because turkey breast tends to not have a lot of fat, I cook it in a spot of oil.  Brown the meat, drain it, and set aside in a bowl.  Add a little more fat, cook the onion until soft, a couple of minutes.  Add the pepper and garlic cook until fragrant, add zucchini, mushrooms, tomato paste, diced tomato, tomato sauce, and browned meat. Stir everything together until all mixed.  Add the spices and stir together.  Add beans and beef stock.  Stir it all up, add some salt and pepper, bring to a simmer and let it sit for a while, until it reduces a bit and thickens up.  I think it simmered for about 40 minutes.

We enjoyed it with a dollop of plain Greek yogurt.

Lessons from the Wind

The wind is howling on the Palouse this morning.  It is the perfect amount of wind, enough to send the trees swaying but not breaking, enough to make the brightly colored leaves swirl around you, and enough to make you feel slightly unsteady as you walk.  The clouds are amazing this morning, grey with highlights of pink and purple, blue sky peeking through breaks.  The Palouse is alive and vibrant this morning.

I have been stalled out in my journey lately.  My workouts have ranged from rockin awesome (on rare occasion) to just not happening (on a fairly regular basis).  I have felt unsure of myself, I have felt frustrated by not knowing what is coming for Aimee and I, and I have been trying to figure out what it means to hold steady in all of this tumult.  But as I walked from the Rec Center to my office this morning, the wind taught me a valuable lesson.  As the wind swirled around me, blowing leaves every which way and threatening to blow over folks on their bikes, I just kept moving.  I planted one foot in front of the other and just kept moving.  Yes I was blown around a bit and had to retouch my hair when I got back to my office :) , but I made it just fine.  

The winds in my life are blowing strong.  We don't know where we are going, we don't know what tomorrow will bring.  But if we keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward, we will arrive at our destination.  So my dear friends if the winds of life are threatening and you feel like you are being blown over, know that you are strong enough to walk through it, one step at a time.  

A different coming out...

If you have read my blog, you know most of my coming out story. Today  is National Coming Out Day and I want to write about a different kind of coming out. It isn't about my sexuality or my gender expression, but it is something very personal to me and in some ways even more private than my sexuality.  This morning I posted on Facebook that I hurt and that I was having a pretty awful flare up.  I had a couple of folks ask me about it. (Which was not my intention, I really just needed support in that moment.)  I have been thinking about it all day and decided that I would write a blog post about it and let you all in on what is going on.

It all started long, long ago.  In high school I would get large boil like sores on my face. (Let me tell ya, for someone who was already feeling out of place, that little addition was priceless!)  They would come and go, I was put on acne medication and told to keep my face clean.  I did and they persisted.  I chalked it up to teenage hormones and was the target of plenty of harassment because of them.  Eventually they stopped forming on my face, but they were not forgotten.  My cheeks bear the scars their presence.  For years after high school I would get little isolated sores on my legs, groin, and occasionally in my armpit.  Again I figured it was just acne and tried to keep things as clean as possible, hoping they would just go away.  Sometimes they would get big, like in high school, come to a head and pop.  I didn't go to a doctor about them because well...who really wants to draw attention to sores in your nether regions?  Plus they didn't really hurt most of the time, so I figured they were just a part of my life.

Over the years I have had a couple of scares with the sores.  I had one form on my breast. (For someone with a family history of breast cancer, finding a lump is a little scary.) It turned out to be nothing, but when I had another one form in my armpit, I again got a little worried.  And when is grew to be the length of a baby carrot and extremely painful I decided to go to my doctor.  I did a little research before my appointment (I don't suggest self diagnosing yourself, but a little research to open the conversation up with you doc is perfectly reasonable.)  I came prepared with a print out of what I thought it was, really truly hoping I was wrong and that my doc would say, "Oh no, that's not it, take this pill and it will all be better."  Alas, that was not the case, instead, she took one look at the sore asked me a couple of questions and said, you have Hidradenitis suppurativa (HS).  My heart sunk because the paper folded neatly in my pocket was all about HS and I knew there was no cure.  She went on to say she had seen one other case, a woman who had come to her to get a doctor's finding for a disability claim.  Her HS had progressed to a point where she was in chronic pain and unable to work.  I wanted to cry.

So what is HS?  The long and the short of it is this, it is a skin disease.  (No it is not contagious, thank god.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone!)  It generally appears in regions of the body where skin touches skin, like the arm pits, groin and bum.  It also forms under bra and underwear lines. It can also form in other places, like the face or near hair follicles. Sweat glands get blocked and form lumps, sometimes they hurt, generally they really hurt.  If they remain blocked fluid can form behind them and can become infected and give the appearance of being a boil.  When they become inflamed is when the pain really starts for me.  The one in my armpit got so bad I could not put my arm down.  I am in stage I, thankfully.  My sores are isolated and have not formed tracts below the skin.  In Stage II tunnels form between sores and it spreads across a large area.  Stage III is beyond my comprehension of pain and I pray that I never, ever, ever, progress that far.

Why am I sharing this with you?  The first reason, I need your support.  I am going gluten free in an effort to reduce my symptoms and hopefully reduce the impact on my life.  I am not making this change lightly and it has caused a fair amount of frustration and tears.  I love sammiches, french toast, and a beautiful crusty baguette every now and again...oh and desserts, don't get me started on pastries, pies, and cakes on special occasions.  But I also love not being in pain, I love being able to sit in a car and not want to cry because it hurts to sit from Palouse to Moscow. (20 Minutes)  I have done some experimenting with food and research on what others have tried to combat their symptoms and eliminating gluten has been a major factor in relief.  And right now, I am looking forward to a little relief.  There may be other things that I try, but for now gluten is leaving my life.

The other reason I wanted to share is because I don't want to hide this anymore.  HS is a disease that most people want to hide.  Really I would rather not be talking about this, I would rather not have it, but I do, so I will help educate and reach out to others that may have it. There is little research being done and there is no cure, it is does not have big bucks coming in to study it.  Most of the time doctors throw drugs at the problem and hope it goes away.  But HS doesn't go away with pills, sometimes it flares bigger and badder, sometimes the symptoms are reduced to bearable.  I don't know about you, but living a "bearable" life is not my idea of awesome. I am going to do what I can to live a full, awesome, pain-free life.  If you have HS, HS like symptoms, or know someone who does, know that you are not alone.  I would love to connect with you and we can walk down this path together.

I am sparing you the gory details of this disease, if you want to see photos or know more about the experiences there are plenty of sites out there for you to read.  If you want to ask questions about how it has progressed for me, or you want a little more detail, I will happily share it with you via email.  I wrote this to reach out, to connect, and to continue to live an open and honest life.  This is not intended to be a "poor Mo" post. HS is a part of who I am, I am learning what it means for me, and how I can control it.  It does not define me. I will not allow it to hold me back from the person I want to be and the amazing things I have ahead of me.

Queering My Faith - The Long Road Home

 "Who hurt you so deeply?"  His words cut right through the facade, straight to my heart.  And they started a long overdue healing process in my life.  Paul could read the pain in my eyes when he asked me the question.  I couldn't answer, my tears spoke for me.  I don't remember the service that day, but Paul's words stuck with me and I knew I needed to make a change.  The life I was living was miserable, lonely, and hollow.  

As I sit here it feels like it all happened in the distant past, in another lifetime. But in reality it wasn't that long ago. It was about 4 years ago that I really started putting in the work to bring myself back to life.  I knew I needed help; the wounds were too deep and had gone untended for too long for me to handle them on my own.  The thought of asking for help terrified me.  I had been in and out of counseling at various points in my life and the thought of going back made me cringe. The choice to enter counseling had always been made for me, I went begrudgingly and skipped out at the first opportunity. At this point Aimee and I had been together for almost 6 years, many of those years I had been lost in a haze. She stuck by me and loved me, even when I hurt her with my actions.  So when I made the phone call to my doctor and to a counselor, it was as much for her, as it was for me.   It was the love of my Aimee and a desire to finally rid myself of the wounds in my past that carried me to my first session.

I strongly dislike taking any kind of medication, even Advil when I have a headache.  I walked into my doctor's office seeking help for depression, fully expecting I would be leaving with a prescription.  I had been on anti-depressants before and had always ended up taking myself off of them without telling my doctor.  So I was honest and open with my doc about my lack of love for meds, of any kind, and my history of ditching them when I thought they were not working anymore.  She was awesome and open with me.  She let me know that it was important that I take them, but if for any reason I wanted to go off, to call her first.  I had never been given that option before and knowing that I would not be on them forever was what I needed to hear.

Next came counseling.  In many ways this was more difficult than taking a pill.  But I also knew it was necessary for any healing to take place in my life.  This counseling experience was life changing for me. For the first time in my life I allowed myself to truly share what was going on under the surface.  I was very aware of my tendency to say what my counselor wanted to hear and to bail as soon as I could.  And honestly there were times when I wanted to do that, but I didn't let myself. I stuck with it, through the dark and difficult, so I could start growing again.    

As I started to heal, I was able to start exploring the role of religion in my life.  What started to emerge was so different from anything I had experienced.  This time around there was no denying my queerness, there was no putting an essential part of my life back in a box and hiding it away.  If Christianity was going to have a role in my life, it had to mesh with my queer identity.  Some of you may read this and cringe.  I know exactly what you are thinking, that I can't have both; that there must be a choice between the two.  I respect that opinion, I respect that is the truth that you hold.  I respect that is the faith tradition to which you cling.  For me it does not ring true.  I lived through a "pray the gay away" experience completely denying that part of me existed.  I also lived through a period of completely denying any role of Christianity in my life.  Both experiences lead me into serious darkness and if I was going to live an honest life, a life of integrity I had to make room for both experiences.  

I have come to realize that I walked away from Evangelical Christianity, not from God.  I walked away from a way of seeing the world that is so full of fear.  I walked away from an "us v them" mentality, that can only divide and never bring people together.  I walked away from a black and white world and stepped into a world full of color, full of light, and full of love.  There definitely is a comfort that comes from living in a worldview that is prescribed and laid out for you.  It is awesome to not think and not be challenged. I totally get it, I lived it, I knew it.  Living in such a prescribed way is too confining for me and I believe too small of view of God.  We have made God into our image, rather than the other way around.  If God created us in hir image, then we are far more expansive and amazing than we can ever imagine, because God is far more expansive and amazing that we can ever imagine.  We are far greater than we will ever know and far greater than we can ever envision ourselves to be.  

We are limitless if we allow ourselves to fully live into that calling on our lives.  We unfortunately have setup systems of comfort and control.  We live is boxes because it is far more comfortable to live in the known than the unknown.  There have always been people who have lived outside of the box; they have been called mystics, heretics, saints and other things.  They lived lives beyond the average experience, not because they were somehow better at communicating with God, but because they got it.  They understood the expansiveness of God and tried to capture that in their own lives.  It was through the exploration of my queerness, from stepping outside of my own prescribed boxes that I was able to start to "get" that understanding of God.  My lived experience as a trans queer person informs my view of God and in turn as my view of God expands so does my understanding of queerness.  God will never live within a prescribed box, no matter the size or shape of the space.  We can try and try and try to fit God down into our image but ze will never fit.  Ever.  So if we can't get God to fit in our box, maybe we should try to live without the box.  It can be uncomfortable, but trust me when I tell you, that living into the fullness of who you are, is a truly spiritual experience.  As I continue to accept myself for the fullness and wonder that I am, the more connected and in tune I feel with God.  

So find your passion my friends, live into the fullness of who you are, and connect with something greater than yourself.  You don't need to use the same language that I do.  I use God because that is what I know, that is what I have experienced.. You can use whatever language that is comfortable for you to express your spirituality.  Again, I can hear some of you wanting to call me out for not toeing the party line of Evangelical Christianity.  And again I say, I get it.  Call me what you will, pray for me all you want, live in the boxes that are comfortable, that is your choice. And this is mine.  I choose to live an open, expansive, inclusive, powerful life.  There is no box that can hold me now; I will never go back into a black and white world.  I invite you to step out into the world of color, into a world that is full of mystery and wonder, and a world that is ready for you. The question is, are you ready for it?